Chatting last night with someone from my weight loss surgery chat, I got asked why I have a link to the Chubby Girl Brigade website on my blog. I was kind of lost for an answer at first, my initial response being a kinda "like I guess, um, I like it, you know?" (I am of course from Southern California and it shows most when I'm under pressure). But she asked further why I thought the site was inspiring or helpful as connected with this blog.
That's a fair question. I mean, this is a site about my journey into weight loss surgery and here I am linking a site that's about loving yourself, fat and all. How could someone who's planning to have 80% of her stomach removed and her intestines re-routed see a site that has as a tag line "you can have a tummy and still be yummy" as helpful or inspiring?
Okay, first answer is that the CGB is hell of funny. This entry alone, titled "My Gynecology Appointment or The Day I Ate An Entire Package of Pillsbury's White Chocolate and Macadamia Nut Cookie Dough While Sobbing In My Car" would make the site worth linking. Funny always works for me.
But the answer is deeper than that. I like CGB because in the last 20 years I've come to like myself a lot more than I did when I was 17 and a size 10. I didn't get to enjoy being slim because I saw myself as fat and hidious at that age. I was more ashamed to show my size 10 body in a bathing suit at 17 then I am to show my size 28 one today. Okay, I'm not thrilled now, and would kill anyone who even thought of being clever with the "photo op" and pulled a camera, but I wouldn't keep a tee-shirt and shorts on at the beach just to keep from having anyone see my arms or legs. Yes, I weep for that 17 year old now and want to hiss to her that she'll never look better in her life then she does at that moment. It wouldn't have made her happy though. Hell, the girl I was then would have committed suicide in horror on getting that news.
Like the women who contribute to the CGB blog, I have a fear of being told I'm too fat to fly. Probably a far more realistic fear given that I'm 361 pounds and called by the medical community "super morbidly obese. It hasn't yet happened, praise God/dess. Still, it could. Sure, I hope my duodenal switch surgery two weeks from today gives me the chance to get down to a size twelve, but I'll be happy at a 16. Heck, I'm going to be thrilled at a 22. It's been more than 10 years since I wore any jeans smaller than 24 (and they look amazingly small now).
I'm not having a duodenal switch because I hate not being able to find clothes or wear small sizes. I'm having it because of this (er, not this post obviously, I mean, I had a surgery date before this entry was written). If you don't want to go read it, it's a blog entry about an ad for a toilet made larger for large sized people. The entry's title is "Commence Wrist Slitting" and the jist is that okay, the author may be fat but she'd consider suicide if she needed this giant crapper. My point in commenting on this isn't to get down on the CGB for having a giggle at people heavier than themselves because I don't think they were making fun of anyone. I think it's horror at what could happen that makes people need to laugh.
My point though is that when we moved into our apartment, I realized with a bit of shock that the toilet is very small for me. Small enough that at first I had a fear of breaking it. Okay, I've had the arm come off a friend's chair (she swore it had been broken already, but to me I broke the chair) when I was sitting on it, but here I was imagining breaking a frigging toilet. If you care at all about me, you'll be happy to know that the toilet is apparently very sturdy and I've adapted. But at the same time I was feeling this fear of toilet damage I was also trying to help my beloved move our 20,000 books and belongings across Los Angeles. And realizing that it was really all I could do to carry myself. He never complained, but I felt like a terrible burden.
So why do I love the Chubby Girl Brigade? Because they love themselves as they are and I find that beautiful and inspiring. Why am I having weight loss surgery in two weeks? Because I love myself too. I just want to make sure I get to enjoy my life for a long time to come.
(Plus, I just don't want to need to explain to our crazy landlady that we need to install a plus-sized throne. Just having her get rid of the termites was complicated enough.)
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