A Smaller Target

Random Stuff

Stuff that I've been meaning to write about:

• The most popular Google search that brings people to this blog is "300 pounds woman" or "picture 300 pound woman."  As my husband mentioned this morning when I told him, I'm no long their dream girl.  So sad!  (HA!)
• My new phone came (remember, my old one died on the day from hell last week).  My new one is this one from Virgin.  It's not sexy or anything (my old one was the first of the MTV Slider models and very cool) but it was only $25 with shipping.  I've been busily entering phone numbers and such.  It was great on Thursday when I was out all day being able to make and receive calls. 
• Still working on the blog re-structure.  You can't really see it, but I've been going back and assigning categories to blog entries.  I'd used them a bit from the start, but since they didn't show up sometimes I skipped out on doing them altogether or lumped everything under "Life" and/or "Musings."
• Almost 2 months after my tummy tuck / hernia repair I finally don't feel like crap at the end of each day.  Update to follow.
• The weekend before last Paul and I went to see the Spanish language film Pan's Labyrinth (El laberinto del fauno).  It was a strange and beautiful magical real film that I cannot recommend highly enough.  Definitely the best film I've seen in the last few years.  However, even though it's about a young girl, fairy tales and fantasy, this is not a film for children.  It's quite dark and disturbing, definitely meriting the R rating it was given.  Rather than being a children's film, it's a film about childhood.  And what could be more disturbing than that?

New Scale

Weight: 165.8 

Yesterday I went thrifting with Lisa Freemont (my backpacking buddy).  We hit a couple Out of the Closets (where Lisa found me a cool pumpkin colored cord jacket) and St. Vincent's before going to Pho 79 in Chinatown.  It had been a long time since I'd had that lovely soup.  Too long. 

Meanwhile, Paul had gone off shopping / picking up my synthroid at Costco.  He brought me back a couple of things: my drugs, PowerCrunch bars and... drumroll and note that it's Saturday and yet my weight is posted.

Yes!  I have a new scale.  It was a surprise kinda -- I thought he was getting me a simpler, less expensive one that we had a coupon for.  This thing is super cool.  It measures body fat and  hydration levels, lets you set goal weights and even keeps a memory of the last (not sure how many) weigh-ins.

The scale is by Health-o-Meter and is called the "Professional Body Fat Monitoring Scale."  I think it must be their newest model because I couldn't find an on-line picture -- the one there isn't the right model number and looks nothing like it.  The model I have isn't even listed on their website.  It's very sleek and was a great deal -- $29.99 at Costco, which was only $10 more than the most basic digital scale I thought he was going to get me.  I'll take a picture when I get a chance.

After spending some time reading the directions last night and programming WAY more information in then one would think a scale needed --including date and time-- I finally stepped on to find that I weighed 165.8, which sounded about right.

Anyway, I'm going to be keeping track of body fat % and hydration, though I'm also going to try not to make myself too nuts about it.

Weighing can get compulsive.  Or so says the Scale 'Ho.

Outlet Shopping

Weight 178

My mom, Paul and I went down to Woodburn to do a little outlet mall shopping.  The excuse was that my mom wanted to get Paul some jeans for his birthday in February.  The real reason, I think, was that my mom and I both wanted to look at clothes.  Paul, who likes to shop for some things but not clothes, was sort of along for the ride. 

We got Paul some jeans at the Levi's store and then split up a bit.  My mom got some great things at the Jones of New York store, including a lovely cream sweater (size medium) for me (originally $80, marked down to $26) that I plan to wear tomorrow to the evening tamale making-party, despite the danger of getting chili on it.

I went off to Gap and Banana Republic in search of a pair of jeans I could maybe wear for the next week or two, my size 16s being way too big and size 12s being still too small in the thighs.  I bought a pair of chocolate brown tab front slacks in size 14.  They're warm and cute, but a bit too low rise.  Still, for $12.99, I was an easy sale.  I also got a gray zip fleece pullover.  It's a little too big (a large) but warm and was $6.  I couldn't pass it up.  At Banana I got a black knee-length full skirt in taffeta (size 12)  for $15 and a lovely black wool tulip skirt (also knee length) in a size 10 for $29.  And I got to charge it on my Old Navy card.  Woot!  Even if I count the sweater (which I didn't pay for) I still came in under $100.  Got to love Oregon and it's "no sales tax" shopping.   

I came home smug with my haul, tried everything on for my mother and then helped my mom sort through her closet and dump all the clothes of hers that she's gotten too small for (lots!).  And also tried on a few things.  Mostly her clothes are all too big for me now, but there was a lovely designer coat suit that's a 14/16 which fits me (at least the slacks do) and is just gorgeous.  I'm going to see if I can get the coat altered down to fit me without having it actually cut down.  By next winter it should fit my mom again so I don't want to make it too small.  I'll try and get a picture of me in it.   

The kitchen is smelling delightful, with all sorts of chili sauces cooking away in preparation for the tamale party tomorrow.  I swear I can taste the air.  But my cold is keeping me from helping.  I only hope I'm over it tomorrow.

It Finally Came!

Weight 180 (yay!)

So much for "priority mail express shipping." 

What with the Christmas rush and everything, the post office only today got around to delivering the high waisted capri support garment I ordered from Lipo in a Box back on the 14th.  Fortunately I haven't been stuck wearing my binder (ugh) the entire time.  My mom loaned me the pair she'd ordered from them. Still, it was good to finally get my own as hers wasn't one of the high waisted sort.

They're really quite comfortable.  Putting them on feels a lot like getting into pantyhose.  But once they're on they seem to support without the terrible hard pressure points that my binder gives.   And I love the way my legs look when I'm wearing it.  My thighs are actually smooth and firm. 

The swelling is definitely going down now at my waist and thighs (whew!).  And size 16s are loose again.  :)

More herbal tea say I!

Two Drains Down

Sorry this is going up so late.  I've spent most of the afternoon / evening recovering from actually getting out of the apartment for a little while today.

This morning Paul drove me to my appointment at USC to see Dr. Soo.  She examined me and the output records of the drains (Paul's been keeping them for me) and decided that two of them could come out.  This was good news -- I want them all out -- but I was suddenly very afraid.  You see, I didn't have any drains for my DS so I had no idea what pulling them out would entail.  I was also afraid of being grossed out, something that happens all too easily to me.

As it turned out, there was nothing to fear.  I barely felt anything when she removed them.  The holes were bandaged (eww!) and she told us how to take care of them.  She left the other two drains.  I'm hoping they can come out Monday afternoon so we can fly up to Portland on Tuesday as planned.  She was supportive of me / us traveling, but not with the drains in.  Funniest moment?  Her joking about the drains being in violation of the airlines' liquids rules.  Anyway, I'm to call Monday with their weekend output and then the decision will be made.

According to Dr. Soo, my incision lines look great and are healing very well.  And my bellybutton is (her words) "out of the woods."  I can't tell you how happy I was to hear that.  She even held up a mirror so I could look at it.  Not too bad looking, given what was done.

After that, we drove to a friend's office to pick up some work for Paul (he's loading an iPod for our Famous Philosopher friend) and (surprise!) some hand-me-down clothes (black wool dress and a jacket).  I could only kind of try them on, given the drain situation, but they seemed very cool.  If I can get my flaking skin under control, the dress will be really cute.

Then we went to grab lunch at In'N'Out where I had a cheese burger done protein style (lettuce wrapped, no bread), a few fries and a sip of Paul's strawberry shake.  A walk across the parking lot to Costco to pick up synthroid and more magic pain meds for me (note: how bad is my insurance coverage? So bad that Costco is basically cheaper even though I don't have any coverage there).  They had my Rx ready and waiting for me, a welcome change from Rite-Aid.

I still had energy so we walked around the store a bit.  I got some of the Mrs. May's crunchy nut packs (see here for review) and we lucked into finding Christmas gifts for our nieces and nephews.  This was a huge relief as three out of four need to be shipped to England ASAP and the other needs to go to Ohio.  I feel the Good Aunt responsibility quite keenly.  Presents for adults don't matter in my family, but what's the good of being a child-less/free aunt and uncle if you can't send cool Christmas gifts.  Oh and chocolate.  We're sending the See's snowman pack, of course. 

Anyway, by the time we got home I'd used all my energy and then some of tomorrow's and felt so tired even sitting under my quilts and resting had me near tears.  But it still was great to be out for the day and also to realize that I am getting better and, with the help of pain meds, can walked a good distance.

Something I noticed today that isn't so cool is that I'm basically swollen from the waist down.  My thighs / knees are two inches bigger around then they were before surgery.  My surgeon didn't seem worried -- just recommended I drink more coffee / tea and lots of water.  But it goes a long way to explaining why I'm suddenly a size 18 again.  Grrrr!

Thanks everyone for being so kind about both my recovery and my problems with anxiety.  Some of you may remember that anxiety and feeling vulnerable were issues for me last time I was post-op.  I suspect that's part of what's happening here.  Last night seemed very uneventful to me, but Paul told me I ended up calling out to him in my sleep.  He apparently calmed me down without ever even waking me up. 

WLS Afterthought No.1

Weight: 181 (parents' scale)

A HUGE congratulations to MaryBeth who is celebrating 4 years post-op in this post today! As I've written previously, MB's earlier blog,  The Fat Diaries, was a great source of inspiration and information in my early days as both a pre-op and blogger.  She's an amazing writer and person and has also had a fantastic weight loss, not only because of her surgery, but because of her dedication to exercise and lifestyle modification.   MB's also got a great sense of humor and amazing fashion sense.  Kudos chica!

This has been said before, but if you're planning to have wls in the next few months (or are a recent post-op), don't forget to budget for clothes.  Really.  As I remarked to my dad yesterday NOTHING I wore 18 months ago (including gloves, shoes and socks) fits me now.  I'm not saying this to be discouraging, but as something to keep in mind.   Hats, glasses, whatever.  Nothing fits that I had before except a couple scarves and my earrings. Watches, necklaces and rings are all way too big. 

Mostly being smaller sizes is a great thing, except for shoes.  I wasn't an especially large shoes size pre-op,  (8.5 - 9 if the shoe was pointy).  I had lots of shoes I liked.  Now I wear something between a 7 and 8 -- depends on the width of the toe box.  I've got a few pairs of really nice new shoes, but as the season is changing again I'm starting to feel the lack.

And no, I don't save much (any) money on food.  Really.  I don't eat  much and my junk food is way down, but the food I eat is expensive.  As anyone who's ever worked at a food bank knows, low fiber carbs are cheap.  Protein is expensive.  Plus I'm really much pickier now, especially about leftovers.  And yeah, I eat smaller portions when we go out, but again they bring me the same amount anyway. 

But the whole dining out issue is worth another entry.  Maybe later.

What Size Am I?

Weight: scale continues not to work.  I swear I'm in withdrawal!

In celebration of fall and an attempt to try and stay warm, I have three new pairs of cords.  They're in three different sizes. 

• a dark brown pair - Old Navy, low rise size 14 ($18)
• a dusty lilac pair -  Old Navy, low rise size 12 ($18)
• a butterscotch pair - Calvin Klein, medium rise size 10 ($5 at Goodwill)

But the fun pastime of guessing my size doesn't end there.  You see, last week when I went shopping for the new cords at the Old Navy on Third Street, Paul went with me.  Not into the clothing store, of course, but was browsing at the Apple store while I was shopping. It was late, we'd had a long day and I wanted to get home.  So I whipped through the cords displays, discarding the racks of "ultra low rise" and homing in on the "low rise" (which is as high as they were going in the cords).  They were on sale, but the ones I really wanted because of a jacket I already own -- the dark browns -- were sold out in 12 so I grabbed a pair of 14s and then the 12 and 14 in dusty lilac. 

In the dressing room I tried the lilac 12s first.  They fit --a bit snug where Fred (pannus) and Ethel (hernia) were pushing out but that's true of everything these days.  I made a snap decision that I'd get them and the dark brown 14s (which were EXACTLY the same style, only differing in color) and get out of there. 

Yeah, that's right.  I didn't try the 14s on. 

We walked home.  I carefully and neatly cut off all the tags and security labels.  And then started trying stuff on.  You see where this is going right?  The lilac size 12s fit.  The dark brown 14s are... too small??!

Yup.  Too snug in the waist, too snug in the hips, too small. I'll need to lose at least another 10 pounds.  I'm still annoyed.  I know I could probably take them back, but damn it, I don't want to bother.  And yeah, I know it's just a number, but not having a 14 fit is depressing as hell.

So anyway, Monday I went to SM library to check out books for the week (I read on my bus ride).  There's a Goodwill across the street from it that has great stuff.  If I was a size 4 I could find as much A/X, Ann Taylor, J. Crew, 7 Jeans and god knows what else for next to nothing.  Even in size 12 - 14 there are plenty of great bargains.  It just takes a lot of time to sort through stuff as it's all arranged by color rather than size. 

I sorted through and grabbed 8 pairs of cords in sizes ranging from 2 (those would be Chicos) to 10 - 14 (everyone else).  Slipping pairs on and off, I found again that the variation in sizes between and within brands was huge.  14 in J Crew was too big.  12 in Ann Taylor was way too big.  Chicos 2s looked like clown pants on me.  But the size 10 in A/X didn't even fit over my thighs.  Same with the 12s from Express.  Size 31 in 7 Jeans hung too low on my butt and (worse yet) let Fred escape.  The pair that fit best?  A pair of size 10 Calvin Klines -- probably from a few seasons back before the rises had dropped to quite where they are now.

So what size am I?  I don't know.  I've got pants in everything from size 14 - 10 that fit with some of each that are too small.  This week I've worn shirts in everything from L to S that all fit perfectly.  It's crazy.  Eloise tells me that's why she's given up on women's pants (also, I suspect, because she's got very long legs and needs extra length) and only buys men's jeans.

I've just got to remember to try everything on from now on.  How does any woman buy stuff online??

It Does *What* You Say?

Weight : still no scale -- more than the battery seems wrong with mine.  :(

So yesterday I walked to my local Wild Oats because I needed some stuff for my eczema* and they're having a sale (25% off all body care products).   The sale's a pretty good one so I bought two bottles of Burt's Bee's Buttermilk baby lotion (one of the only brands of body lotion my skin will tolerate), some face mosturizer (also BB) and some grapeseed oil for bathing with.

I also bought a new loofa mitt.  The text on the wrapper made me giggle.  Apparently, in addition to exfolliating my dead skin, this thing can "slough away cellulite."  And it was only $3 less 25% off.   I really should alert my friends at the CGB.  Forget all that blather about diet and exercise!  All we need to do is massage with soap and a loofa in the bath. 

----
*Having chronic eczema is a bitch btw.  I need to remember to go and find the doctor who three years ago, when I looked like I had second and third degree burns over 90% of my body told me that my skin issues would "probably go away if I lost a significant amount of weight" and kill him.  Almost 200 pounds later and my skin is every bit as fragile as it was at 360+ if not moreso.  What keeps the eczema under control has nothing to do with my weight loss.   

Fashion and the Fat Girl

Weight: 181.6

I've talked a little bit about how it feels to shop now.  Weird, if we just want to use a single word.

Clothes fit now from pretty much any store you can think of and I still can't get my head around that idea.  When my mom was visiting last month she took me on a bit of a shopping binge... the sort of thing she hasn't been able to do since I was in high school. 

It was totally strange.  I mean, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.  For the jeans that were still too small even in the largest size available.  (I'm sure they exist, but I didn't try any "slim leg" designs.)

Sure, I knew I was mostly a size 12 at Old Navy.  But did that really mean I could also wear clothes from Anthropologie?  It did.

The thing with Anthropologie is hard to explain.  This is a store that didn't exist the last time I was a 12.  When it opened I remember looking at the clothes with longing.  They're the sort of funky boho kind of thing I've always liked.  And I also remember thinking that I'd never be able to have anything from there that I could wear.  Last year when I was pre-op and wandering around, trying to get my head around the idea of being smaller, I remember walking by the Anthropologie on Third Street and thinking, "maybe I'd even be able to wear something from there." 

I confided that fantasy to a friend of mine and she said, "hey, you can buy stuff other than clothes there, no need to be unrealistic in your expectations."

She wasn't being mean.  Remember, at the time, I was going to need to lose about 50 pounds before I even fit into a size 28W.  Thinking of me in a size 14 wasn't realistic at all.

But anyway, my mom took me there because she saw my fantasy dress on the 'fridge.  As it turned out it was sold out.  But she made me try on other stuff.  And it fit.  Or rather, the size 12 stuff fit, every single bit of it.  The size 14s were too big.  And the sales girl thought I should be trying on 10s, something that made me feel almost dizzy.  I wouldn't even try. 

She bought me a lovely red sundress to wear for my grandmother's 100th birthday party next month.  A very cute sweater to cover my arms.  And a little skirt that's hard to describe, but adorable too.  All the clothes were cute and they all fit, even the ones that weren't flattering.  Am I repeating myself?  I am, but it was just mind blowing.

And then we went to Banana Republic and the size 14 pants my mom found for me were too big.  I needed a 12.  At that point, very quietly in my dressing room I started crying.  Because it suddenly seemed real that all these stores were open to me now after being places I just browsed so I'd know what sorts of clothes and colors were in.

She determined the very cute skirt needed a red tee shirt.  But they're in short supply this year.  We tried at Old Navy, Banana, Gap, J Crew and American Eagle and while there were clothes at all of them that fit, it seemed that orange is the new red this year and my deep red tee shirt remained hidden.

As we walked back to the car, my mom suggested one last stop at Express... she'd seen some hints of red in their window display.  Sure enough there was the red tee shirt.  The medium fit but I bought a large because it covered more of my arms. 

Express.  I had clothes from there when I was 14. 

I saved all the bags.  They, like they clothes themselves, feel as much like trophies as anything could. 

Less Than Half

Weight 181

I'm sitting at Deidrich's on Montana sipping a sugar free latte and taking advantage of their two hours of free wireless (such a deal!).  I just wish their coffee was as good as Pete's.  It's a wonderful day and part of me thinks I should be sitting in the sun (making vitamin D don't you know) and trying to get a bit of tan.  But as is my lazy way, I'm guessing that this isn't the last sunny day we're going to have.  And studying (and avoiding studying by blogging) in a coffee shop seems like the best way to spend this Sunday.

Here's something weird though.  I weigh less than half now of my high weight.  I started out at 367 pounds.  I now weigh 181.  I've lost 186 pounds from my highest weight.  That's 176 from  my surgery weight.  My mind is kind of blown by thoughts of what this means.  No wonder people I've known for years can stand right next to me and not know me at all until they hear my voice.   And yet, I don't really see it. 

Don't get me wrong.  I do see that I've lost weight.  I even can tell that I'm a lot smaller than I was.  But I look at other women sometimes and wonder, am I smaller or bigger than her?  I can't really tell.  And it's rude (of course) to go up to another person and ask what size their jeans are.  I just am not sure I know what someone who's sized 12-14 looks like.  And do I really look like that? 

Yeah, I know.  Time for more pictures.  I've been putting it off mostly because I had an eczema breakout on my face.  One of my worst since surgery, though still nowhere near as bad as when I was pre-op and having a hard time resisting bread (I'm allergic to both yeast and wheat flour).  And now I need a haircut like nobody's business.  But I'll get Paul to take some either tonight or tomorrow.  I'm not sure there's much change, but that's okay.  At least you can see my favorite Old Navy jeans.  They're a size 14, were on sale for $15 (because some of the stitching on one pocket came loose), flattering and get mistaken constantly (I've had it happen 4 times) for $100 Seven jeans.  In fact, one time when I denied it, the friend refused to believe me and I had to fish the ON tag out of the back!  :)  So I think of these jeans as my magic ones.

Alison, I'm so glad to hear you're exploring Old Navy.  Something to keep in mind is that Women's sizes are different from Misses.  It's not an exact thing, but a 14W is about a Misses 16.  Misses sizes are cut smaller in the hips and waist.  My point?  Don't feel discouraged if when trying on Misses stuff, you go up a bit from Lane Bryant sizes.  On the plus side?  The selection is SOOOO much better and so is the quality.  Cheaper too, especially if like you stick with the sale racks.

Another minus though, misses sizes vary wildly based on cut, even within the same brand. My thighs are still pretty huge and so while a 12 skirt may fit, a pair of slender cut 14 jeans may not.  I'm learning to swallow my vanity and not be embarrassed.  Also, though I probably don't need to say this, avoid low rise (and shun "ultra low rise") anything.  The "just below the waist" works okay for me though.  I'm not sure if you have a "fred" but if you do, the lower rise stuff allows him to escape.  It's not pretty either. 

Okay, now I've got to try and work.   No really.