A Smaller Target

TGIF

Weight: 167

It's been a quiet couple of days as I've tried to re-connect a bit with friends and family.  I'm not sure I'm doing a very good job, but I'm trying!

This afternoon I went with Lisa Freemont and her mom to see the film Amazing Grace, which stars the dishy Welsh actor Ioan Gruffudd .  The film has some flaws and (perhaps) someone not familiar with the history of the British movement to abolish the slave trade might have trouble following it, but it was a wonderful film.  It's just paced a little slow for the first hour or so.  Told as a series of flashbacks and dreams, it explored the life's work of William Wilberforce, a member of Parliament from Yorkshire who is credited with almost single handedly ending the slave trade in the British Empire.*

It also tells (part) of the story of John Newton, a slave ship captain turned abolitionist minister who wrote the words for the song "Amazing Grace."

This film affected me rather deeply as I thought more about how Wilberforce is remembered in this film, which was released to coincide with the 200th anniversary of the abolition of the British slave trade in 1807.  In the United States, it was during the remembrance of the 50th anniversary of the British abolition in 1857, coupled with the anger created by Dred Scott decision that same year.  We think of modern history as changing so fast.  Yet in looking at how the world changed between 1775 and 1875, even our last 100 years would seem to pale in comparison. 

Anyway, I'm too tired to write clearly on this, but plan to do so a bit more as I'd like to take on the current fashion against the "great man" theory of history.    Aren't you looking forward to that tedious bit of blogging?

Still, the film is good.  I recommend it.

And on my current "To See" list:

• "Children of Men" (still!  And Clive Owen is in it!)
• "Breach"
• "Music and Lyrics"
• "Zodiac"
• "Babel"  (may need to wait for DVD)
• "Borat" (see above)

The list is getting long.  Clearly we need to go the movies a bit more.

---
*note: I know he didn't do it single-handedly, nor would he have claimed to have done so.

Oscar Blog Post 3: Final Entry

Last post of the night.  As I mentioned earlier this evening, I do love watching the Oscars.  I even enjoy the boring parts.  Really.

Honestly, I miss the Oscars of my childhood.  Maybe this is because I live in Los Angeles so I get to watch them from the same time zone they're broadcast in, but I hate the fact they cut off people during speeches.  I don't like the obscure technical awards having been moved to another ceremony.

I miss the show running over by hours and listening to rambling acceptance speeches by people who are clearly blitzed on booze and / or drugs.  (Randy Newman, bless him, gave us a flashback to the old days when he finally won his well deserved Oscar in 2001.)  I even miss the odd political rants and bizarre and trashy outfits  (Seymour Hoffman managed to do a throwback this year, looking like nothing so much as someone who'd been out drinking since yesterday morning.  Seriously, if I saw him on Wilshire looking like that I'd think I was about to be hit up for change.)

It's still fun and I'll never miss them -- but the Oscars just feel a little too safe these days.  Paul tells me the BAFTAs still have more of the drunken speech making I love so.   I may need to find a way to watch them in 2008. 

Current thought: was that ad really for a site called "fewer periods (dot) com"?!  Gee, that does sound like a fun on-line adventure.

Oscar Blog Post 2: More Good Times

Current passing thought:  I'm sad that PL didn't win Best Foreign Language, but Clive Owen is smoking hot.  And so is Penelope Cruz.  Stunning!

Yesterday afternoon was the SCADS February lunch.  It was amazing fun as Sandy wrote here with 20 people showing up for delicious Cuban food and fantastic company.  I don't think anyone flaked (an amazing thing in itself) and we were quite a rowdy crowd.  I was just sorry not to have had more time to talk to everyone. 

Lunch was wonderful.  Lisa R and I split a pork and chicken combo with extra garlic sauce.  There was plenty, even given that the breast part of the chicken was too dry for either of us.  The waiter who took care of us did an excellent job despite much moving around and many special orders.  He even did separate checks for everyone (!!!) for which he won many extra credit points from me.

Laurie and her husband took pictures during and after (carefully avoiding those who were camera shy).  Can't wait to see how I managed to smirk at the camera this time!

 

There seemed to be a general feeling that the next lunch should be in Orange County.  It might be a bit tricky for me to get there (though I seem to be lucking out on kind people being willing to drive me) but I can see the point.  Besides, word about our noisy crew may be getting around!

Oscar Blog Post 1: Thrifting Saturday

Passing thought -- this is sort of the Mexican / Spanish language Oscars.  Not an original thought though, obviously.

Before we headed over to the SCADS lunch at Versailles, Lisa R (who was kind enough to drive me) and I went thrift shopping at my favorite Goodwill (the one in Santa Monica).  I'd browsed there very briefly the day before with another friend and knew I wanted to get a new pair of jeans.  I already had three pairs, but none of them fit right anymore as my body continues to adjust to its post-tummy tuck re-configuration. 

It was a pretty good thrifting day, made still better by Lisa R (who used to own a consignment shop).  What did I find?  Two boho kind of shirts by eyeshadow.  They're both cute and in shades of brown (size medium).  Sort of casual without being tee-shirts.  A white fitted jacket (size medium) and a pair of dark wash skinny leg Earl jeans (a very very snug size 30).  The Earl jeans still have store tags on them too!  Total?  $30.  Gotta love that.

The jeans aren't honestly very flattering -- I look much better in boot cut jeans and they're definitely too small for me.  But I wanted a pair of jeans that I could use to measure how my body is changing.  Or rather how it will change once I can get back to the gym.  Given that I have to do that attractive "jean hop" to get into these, I think they'll do the job. 

So far I'm pretty happy about who've won!  Especially Alan Arkin.  Yeah, I know Eddie Murphy probably deserved it, but I'm not forgiving the "N" movie so easily.

Oscar Blogging

Weight: 168 (yup, my friend arrived this afternoon!)

This post isn't coming from my desire to give raves and pans to the stars for clothes and speeches -- I'll leave that to the folks from Go Fug Yourself who are far better at it than me.   For me this is basically about doing two things I really want to do this afternoon -- watch the Oscars and update th blog. 

It's been a busy weekend.  Let's see how many entries I can rack up over the course of the Oscar commercials.

But first, my picks:

BY CATEGORY - 79TH AWARDS

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Peter O'Toole - VENUS  (haven't seen it yet, but he's always a favorite for me)

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Alan Arkin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Helen Mirren - THE QUEEN

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Abigail Breslin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

Best animated feature film of the year
CARS

Achievement in art direction
PAN'S LABYRINTH

Achievement in cinematography
THE BLACK DAHLIA

Achievement in costume design
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA

Achievement in directing
THE DEPARTED

Best documentary feature
AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH

Best documentary short subject
THE BLOOD OF YINGZHOU DISTRICT

Achievement in film editing
CHILDREN OF MEN

Best foreign language film of the year
PAN'S LABYRINTH (imo, best film of the year)

Achievement in makeup
PAN'S LABYRINTH

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)
PAN'S LABYRINTH

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
"Patience" - DREAMGIRLS

Best motion picture of the year
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

Achievement in sound editing
DREAMGIRLS

Achievement in sound mixing
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

Achievement in visual effects
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

Adapted screenplay
BORAT CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN

Original screenplay
PAN'S LABYRINTH

Finishing and Games

Weight: 164.2

It's raining in Los Angeles.   Or at least in Santa Monica.  I've been up listening all night.  Being a child of the desert -- or at least Los Angeles -- I'm not comforted by the sound of rain in the night.  It sounds leaky, damp and disconcerting to me.  Still, it's supposed to stop by 10 or so this morning.

Not so very long ago, well -- I guess it's been two weeks -- Becky asked me if I'd finished playing the PS2 game "Rule of Rose."  After reading about it being banned in parts of Europe (the UK and Spain) and then reading about the game itself, I'd blogged about it then purchased it with the intention of playing it while I was recovering from the tummy tuck / hernia repair I had in December. 

Well, I did try and play it.   

First off, the reviews aren't wrong.  The game's art is beautiful with a strong and unique style that definitely suits the story.  They're also right that the play is clunky and the main character is annoying to try and control.  None of that really fazed me.   But after about 20 hours of play I had to give "Rule of Rose" up. 

Why, you ask?

First, it was creeping me out.  Remember, I was on drugs and had / have a long incision down and across my stomach.  The mood of the story and my own feelings of vulnerability were not helping me find my Happy Place.  But even that wasn't the deal breaker.  The fact is I'm just too lame with the freaking PS2 controller to play a game with real time action.  And I can only cope with being killed so many times in exactly the same spot.  Especially when the walk-through I download and print in the hope of getting through the "battle" / "fight" in question describes this first "boss" battle where I keep being killed as "super easy."  I figured that just didn't bode well.

Needless to say I was bummed.  No doubt at some point Paul will decide to play the game and I'll be able to watch -- which honestly is what I most want to do with this one anyway.  It's the first time that the bonus scenes in a game feel like a reward rather than something to be endured until we can get back to the action.  But I'd kind of got my head ready to play a game and now I clearly wasn't.  I was trying to figure out if I could talk Paul into buying "We Love Katamari" when something unexpected happened.  Some games he'd passed on to some friends years ago (back when we had enough cash that we didn't just sell then) came back to us along with a few DVDs.

One of the games was Final Fantasy X.  This was one of the first games I remember really being into watching Paul play soon after he got the PS2.  It's the sort of turn-taking game I can actually handle doing.  And so that's what I did, finishing it a couple days ago.  The familiarity worked as did the style of play.  While I'd seen much of the game while Paul played it years ago, I hadn't seen it all.  And it was fun.  I did it my way, which means I used walk-throughs to get past areas (usually mazes) I found frustrating.  I don't find frustrating "fun" in something that's supposed to be for pleasure.  There's enough of that at work.   Paul finds my use of walk-throughs a form of cheating, but that didn't bother me.  Ironically  my lameness with the controller actually works to my advantage in the sort of turn switching style of this sort of roleplay game.  Because I end up wandering aimlessly a bit and tend to level up a great deal just because I'm too lame to have my hero walk in a straight line.

Oh and did I mention I finished it?  That, along with Dragon Quest VIII and Myst Exile makes three completed PS2 games.  In addition to Katamari, of course.   I feel ridiculously pleased by that -- I guess because most games I start I don't finish.  Now I'm ready to play another.  But what? 

Sadly, the new FF XII is real time battle action game.  I suspect unless my ability to work this controller undergoes a transformation,  I'll just be watching that one too. 

Harry Potter and Literature

Deluzy, one of my very favorite bloggers, wrote today this past weekend about an article on Harry Potter Fandom and its intersection with academia by Carole Cadwalladr.  It was published last August (2006) in the British newspaper, The Guardian.  I'd read it then and meant to blog about it, but forgot.  When I started a reply to Alison, I realized that my reply was going to be several times the length of her own entry and I should, perhaps, do the writing here rather than blathering on her blog.

The short version is that this article (the Guardian one, not Deluzy's) pissed me off to no end.

Why?  Mostly because the author goes for the easy digs.  Not just at academic jargon, which I would be the first to admit has a lot one can be critical of, but at the whole idea of cultural studies (though she doesn't call it that).  The author admits to having not read any of the books, except for part of The Philosopher's Stone on the flight over, but feels since she has a degree in English and "has read Milton," she's somehow qualified to judge the papers at conference on the Harry Potter texts.  Would the same work in reverse, I wonder?  Would my having studied popular literature qualify me to write about conference and papers about texts I'd never read?  It reminded me a bit of the wonderful line from the 1990 film Metropolitan -- "You don't have to read a book to have an opinion."  (1)

She makes a cheap shot, expressing the idea that something as popular as the Harry Potter novels have no place among a more adult canon of literature -- ironically using the phrase at one point "it's hardly Nabokov."  I say ironically because the phrase seems to betray a lack of cultural memory of what the reaction 30 years ago was to conference papers on Lolita.

Cadwalladr's discussion of her background (or lack thereof) with regard to the Harry Potter books does raise the question of why The Guardian thought that she would be the best reporter to go over (remember, she went from London to Las Vegas -- thank heavens it was such a long flight or one presumes she wouldn't have gotten even the bit of reading done that she managed) and cover this convention / conference.   Given how widespread the reading of this books has been worldwide (and in the UK specifically), they must have had to dig pretty deep to find someone who hadn't read them.  Perhaps the intent was to go for humor?

What mainly rang as false was her seeming belief that Rowling's books were simply for / read by children, as though unaware of their large adult readership.  I have a hard time believing she actually thought this was the case, but it is the way the article is presented.  Why do I doubt her?  Because in the UK there are so many adult readers that the paperback versions of the books are actually sold with two different covers, one for adults and another for children, so that adult readers don't feel embarrassed when reading on the train.  It's hard to imagine a journalist being so unaware, especially of something that's been reported on in her own paper.

This goes for the whole fanfic and slash fic thing as well, again something Cadwalladr presents as a subculture she discovered only by attending this conference.  While hardly as widely discussed as the different adult / child book covers, this isn't something new or even unique to the Potter-verse or science fiction and fantasy literature.  Further, it was mentioned in big type on the announcement of this conference (I know this because the call for papers was sent to my academic listserv).  As a journalist, if the term "slash fiction" was new to her, wouldn't it be good journalistic practice to do a little research by, say, entering the unfamiliar term into Google?  Doing a search for "Harry Potter" and "slash fiction" would have told her a great deal and, perhaps, saved her some of the shocks she [p]reports to have experienced.

It probably seems like I'm being a little hard on this one article.  But I don't think I am.  While this isn't my area of research (I do the much more boring field of Chicana feminist literature), there's an extremely good reason for academics in literature and cultural studies to be interested in Harry Potter and JK Rowling.  Leaving aside the importance of studying popular culture in general in order to understand about trends in our society, these are books that current undergraduates have grown up reading.  If it isn't already true now, it will be in the next five years.  It's a lot easier to introduce complex theoretical issues, whether Marxism, gender and / or race theory  or whatever, when it can be taught using texts that students are very familiar with. 

One of the most amazing moments of my life was standing in a huge line at the main Waterstone's in London with thousand of people, many of them children, waiting for the store to open at midnight so they could buy their copy of the book.   The crowd queued patiently (as one would expect of the British) but the excitement the kids were experiencing was an electric feeling.  It was clear many of them had never been out so late, that for them this was better than Disneyland or Christmas.  And I remember thinking at the time, how wonderful that one of the most exciting memories of their childhoods is going to be the collective experience of waiting in line to buy a book.  It reminded me of nothing so much as the stories about 19th century crowds of Dickens readers standing waiting for ships from the UK to dock in Boston and shouting up questions about little Nell.

As a journalist working in the UK, how has Cadwalladr managed to miss this?  Is there such a thing as a journalistic ivory tower?

---
(1) The longer version is even better.  After listening to Tom dissing Jane Austen, Audrey asks:
"What Jane Austen novels have you read?" 
Tom replies:
"None. I don't read novels. I prefer good literary criticism. That way you get both the novelist's ideas as well as the critic's thinking. With fiction I can never forget that none of it really happened, that it's all just made up by the author."

Random Stuff

Stuff that I've been meaning to write about:

• The most popular Google search that brings people to this blog is "300 pounds woman" or "picture 300 pound woman."  As my husband mentioned this morning when I told him, I'm no long their dream girl.  So sad!  (HA!)
• My new phone came (remember, my old one died on the day from hell last week).  My new one is this one from Virgin.  It's not sexy or anything (my old one was the first of the MTV Slider models and very cool) but it was only $25 with shipping.  I've been busily entering phone numbers and such.  It was great on Thursday when I was out all day being able to make and receive calls. 
• Still working on the blog re-structure.  You can't really see it, but I've been going back and assigning categories to blog entries.  I'd used them a bit from the start, but since they didn't show up sometimes I skipped out on doing them altogether or lumped everything under "Life" and/or "Musings."
• Almost 2 months after my tummy tuck / hernia repair I finally don't feel like crap at the end of each day.  Update to follow.
• The weekend before last Paul and I went to see the Spanish language film Pan's Labyrinth (El laberinto del fauno).  It was a strange and beautiful magical real film that I cannot recommend highly enough.  Definitely the best film I've seen in the last few years.  However, even though it's about a young girl, fairy tales and fantasy, this is not a film for children.  It's quite dark and disturbing, definitely meriting the R rating it was given.  Rather than being a children's film, it's a film about childhood.  And what could be more disturbing than that?

I'm Not Mom

Adele Haze who writes a blog I read (it's an adult subject blog by an adult fetish model so think before you click) recently wrote an entry about a PlayStation2 game called "Rule of Rose."  It's apparently stirring up controversy in Europe for having adult content (dark and sadomasochistic images as well as lesbian overtones).  There have been moves in Europe to ban it there because it's not the sort of subject matter children should be exposed to,  Sony US decided not to release it here for fear of controversy -- it's being distributed here by another, smaller game company.

I don't want to get into reviewing the game or its content except to say that, despite reviews saying the actual play is a bit slow / clunky, it sounds like something I'd enjoy.  But whether I would or not is beside the point.   What the point, for me, is that by expecting that every game released be suitable for children, other adults like myself are being forced by parents into living in their child-safe bubble.   This, in my opinion, isn't right.  There are books, films, places and, yes, games that are intended for adults.  They are not appropriate for children nor should they have to be.  It's the responsibility of parents to keep their own children away from them.  Not to rid the world of the item, but to decide what is and isn't appropriate within their own households and those they allow their children to frequent.

In other words, leave me out of it.  I don't have children and I don't plan to.  I don't tend to frequent places with children -- my interests and tastes are largely adult.   The students I work with are already adults .  If my husband and I wanted to live in a child-safe world we would.  Parents need to just say no to games you don't think are appropriate for their families and not expect this to be done by passing laws the effect adults.  PS2 games are about $30 - $50.  Where would kids get that kind of cash if not from their parents? 

This is an old issue for me, but one that keeps coming up.  A couple of years ago on my other blog, I wrote a review of Grand Theft Auto: San Andres.  In it I commented on the this very topic writing

In getting links and pictures together for this blog entry, I came across a lot of [writing by] mothers and educators worrying about the effect playing this game (the cite it specifically) would have on their 11 year olds. Excuse me? Why would you let your 11 year old play with this? The game costs $50 -- they can't buy it with their lunch money. This is an old rant for me, but it bothers me when parents think the world needs to be made kid-proof. My mom and dad decided I wouldn't see any R rated movies, even on cable, until I was 13. Even then, until I was 16 I had to check with them and they usually prescreened them or watched them with me. GTA isn't written to target 11 year-olds. The game is written for those of us who were teens in the 1980s and early 1990s -- people who are now in their twenties and thirties. I'm basing this the music and sense of humor. Please, parents, I beg you to keep track of what games your kids are playing. Me? I'd like to see adult movies, books and games safe from the daycare crowd.

It's true that when my parents bought our family's first Atari system the games were all intended for children.  But times and technology have changed.  Further, there's a whole generation now in their 30s and even 40s who've been playing computer and video games since their teens.  It only makes sense that game makers now write games for an adult market in addition to the child one. 

Personally I'm going to try and get a copy of "Rule of  Rose" to play while I'm recovering after my surgery next month.  I promise that after I finish with the game, when I pass it along afterwards it will be to another adult.  Now if only I could get parents to promise not to try and take toys away from the grown-ups.

Notes From Portland I

Weight: 181 (on parents' scale)

So I'm in Portland Oregon now for Thanksgiving.  This will probably be an odd entry as I'm sipping a huge double scotch just now (15 year old single malt Dalwhinnie).  I'm about halfway through it and it's just getting smoother.  No, I don't drink very often.  It's not because of wls but rather because my ex husband was an alcoholic, which of course prompted me to quit drinking.  Co-dependency and all that stuff.  Whatever.

What's happened lately? 

Hmm, did I mention I was in Portland?

I've been visiting with my parents and enjoying their company, DirectTV and experiencing the wonder that is Tivo (this is definitely on my ever-expanding wish list).  I've been to visit my Nana in what Paul refers to as the "Maximum Security Twilight Home" (no, it's really quite nice), showed my mom how to work bluetooth to download pictures from her phone to her mac, slept, eaten out, shopped at Powell's and gone jogging / walking.

Oh and we went last night and saw Casino Royale. 

I want to see it again.  I've been a fan of  Ian Flemming / Bond films since childhood and looked forwarded to this release.  But it exceeded my best hopes and expectations. It rocked.

I'll be the first to say I had issues with the choice of Daniel Craig for the new James Bond.  I'd seen him in Layer Cake and liked him and it but I wanted it to be Clive Owen.  I was wrong... not that I don't think Clive Owen would be great,  but just from this one film, Daniel Craig may be the best Bond ever.  And the man is SMOKING hot.  Women in the theater gasped out loud when he turned around on the beach in (very tight) swim trunks. 

It's a great flick and you'll be sorry if you miss it.  But pace yourself with your beverage as the movie's almost two and a half hours long.

One Word: Plastics

Weight: not sure, still no scale. :(

This is a brief entry basically to get me blogging again.  I've been away from the 'net because work has been too busy to blog from (how dare they!) and our 'net connection at home was flaky for a while.  Them that know me will be able to confirm that I have no ability to deal with slowness on the 'net and will just throw up my hands at the first sign of frustration.  After 6 years on a hard line university connection, even the highest speed of DSL seems grindingly slow sometimes.

Anyway, the news in its short form is that I had my reconstructive surgery consult last Thursday with Dr. Chia Soo.  She was lovely to meet and talk to, spent about 45 minutes examining me and answering my questions.  I heard a week later that they have me scheduled for  a tummy tuck and hernia repair on (surprise) December 6 at USC Hospital.  Yes, that soon, insurance willing. 

So how did this happen so fast? More on that later
(hopefully tomorrow). 

As to the picture, well, Paul snapped it today on Third Street (it was apparently Jedi recruitment day).  You can't tell from the picture, but the R2D2 was moving around and squeaking.  Paul wanted me to put my hand on it, but it felt rude to somehow.  In retrospect I kind of wish I'd had him get a shot with me and Darth Vader, but I felt too shy.  The picture's not a very flattering shot -- at least I hope it isn't, but it shows my new glasses and my three month grown out hair cut.  And it also shows that size 14 shorts are really a bit too big.  At least I hope it does.

What's in the bag?  A red sweater and grey skirt from Old Navy.  Maybe I'll even manage to get a pic of me in that up.  Who knows.

Thanks!

Weight: 186.2

It was great to read the comments on our pre weight loss bodies.  I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels that way.  It probably sounds weird given the drastic lengths I had to go to lose weight, but my body image was healthier (not healthy mind, I am a woman after all) when I weighed 360 at the age of 37 then it was when I weighed 135 at 17. 

The week has been okay.  I've managed to ease back off the sugar in the last few days, though I haven't been perfect.  I'm not sure why I find the crappy candy at work so tempting when I can manage to avoid much nicer stuff in my own fridge (okay, so the nicer stuff is Paul's but I never sneak bites or anything).  I think it has to do with how I cope with stress and boredom.  It's weird to say but my job is both stressful and very dull -- a combination I hadn't quite considered possible.  Don't get me wrong, as graduate student jobs go it's great and I'm glad to have it.  But I think both boredom and stress make me tempted to eat.   Maybe knowing this will help me combat it a bit.  I'll be working three days a week (rather than two) for the next month so I sure hope so.  Aside from the weight issue, the gas from simple sugars is just nasty. 

We were going to go to Disneyland with friends tomorrow, but I had to bow out.  Too much I need to get done before Monday.  I'm kinda sad, but also pleased to see my research moving forward again.  Getting a chapter of my dissertation done (finally) will be a big step forward and will (hopefully) make me believe I can and will finish the darn thing.

Yesterday we went to see Inside Man over on Third Street.  It was great popcorn entertainment.  Nothing too heavy or thoughtful (though I do love Spike Lee's stuff), but fun.  Of course it didn't hurt that I could watch Clive Owen and Denzel Washington all day.  Wow.  And Jodi Foster was great too, cast against her usual type. 

Being Happy

Weight 190.4

Thanks again for the comments.  :)  I've gotten used to my hair and really like it now.  It feels so much lighter, plus there's a lot to be said for the "wash 'n' go" thing. 

I've been trying to decide how to answer Harriet and Sarah.  Harriet is the easy one.  I've seen some fingernail filing (have even done some buffing myself) but no finger or toenail clipping.  The past couple days I've even been checking the floor for clippings.

Sarah, I'm not sure about recommending Gormenghast books.  I did enjoy them (as I also enjoyed Jonathan Strange, but I think both benifited from the bus style of reading -- that is just being read for an hour or two a day.  Neither were literary worlds that swept me away or that I fell into (the way one is with, say, with Tolkein or Neil Gaiman).  It was more like having a world slowly invade my subconscious until it became part of my imagined historical knowledge.  By the end of each I was sorry to see it go -- though the third book of Gormenghast isn't very satisfying.  Reading the notes at the end it's pretty clear that the text was unfinished. 

What I will say is that it's definitely different from anything else I've ever read.  So maybe that alone makes Gormenghast worth reading?  Who can say?

Something to Think About (Continued)

Weight 200.0 (no really it is -- I tried 3X in case it would go down further, but it never did)

And this is my 200th blog entry too!  Aren't you stunned and amazed?

Okay, I started a musing reply about Angie's mixed feeling about my losing weight (and even made her cry again!), but then I had to stop and go see Matchpoint (okay, I wanted to too).  It was great.  It started slow but the pacing worked for me.  Paul said it was Woody Allen doing Hitchcock.  I hate being one of those wives who quotes her husband, but that comes pretty close.

So about what Angie wrote.  First, and most obviously I wasn't offended by what she wrote.  When I read it, what I saw was myself.  That odd feeling that I didn't want the other person to be less successful, but the horror of knowing that their success was reminding me that I wasn't doing so well.  I felt this when a friend lost a good deal on Weight Watchers some years ago.  Though I was heavier, I (obviously) couldn't get it together and match her discipline in following the program.  And so as she got thinner and was able to shop more places, part of me was thrilled for her.  But another part felt like the step sister left behind.  I'm not sure what to do about that other than be glad that Angie was honest about what she was feeling.

It makes me glad for her support and also makes me want to support her all the more. 

As to her question about protein drinks, that's a good one.  I think if someone is working out and wanting to increase or maintain muscle, but at the same time avoiding meat protein, it might make sense.  I know I need extra protein because I don't absorb all that I eat so I need to eat extra.  But I do think getting enough, especially when I'm working out, keeps me from getting too carb hungry. 

That said, I feel like a fraud giving weight loss advice.  I mean if I'd been able to follow a diet and not give myself permission to cheat when life got too stressful, I might have been able to avoid messing up my body so much that I needed surgery.  I don't feel like I took an easy way out.  I took the only way out I could find.  That I might be interesting or even inspiring to someone dieting without weight loss surgery is deeply humbling. 

It's not that I don't want to help (o I do!) nor that I don't want to give advice (love doing that too).  It's just I feel like the obvious answer to anything I say is "if you know so much, why did you end up at 367 pounds?" 

That said, I suspect few of us get to morbid obesity without learning a huge amount about how to lose weight.  Until  my immune system gave up the ghost (at least that's how it felt), I was always very good at losing weight.  Not quite as good as I was at gaining it, but still.

It's keeping it off that scares me. 

I've never done that.

Tomorrow my 10 month pictures.  We tried to take them tonight, but the flash made my eyes go all squinty. 

PS.  This is a public "thank you" to Harriet for sending me some wonderful and stylish clothes.  Thanks to her I'm no where near as scruffy as I was.  And when people ask where I got something, I don't have to keep saying "oh, it was my mother's" (not that I'm not happy to wear her hand-me-downs too).

Friday!

Weight: 234

I barely stumbled through yesterday.  I had a cold and they tend to hit me hard. 

However, I woke up today feeling a lot better (thanks NyQuil) and ended up going to see Pride & Prejudice with a friend.  While I'm quite loyal to Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy, I did enjoy this film.  But my, what a chick flick.  I think there were a total of 3 men in the theater.  And only one had come alone (we assumed he was a critic).  We had lunch at Islands and I discovered that despite feeling hungry, a small bowl of their torilla soup and a handful of fries does indeed a meal make.

I also went and worked out for 90 minutes (45 on the elliptical) and made some very nice meat sauce that I ended up eating on top of cottage cheese and P had on pasta. 

All in all, a good day.  :)

And So Where Do You Live?

Weight 236.4

Sorry there haven't been any updates lately.  Typepad has been having server problems so it's been impossible to either post comments or new blog entries.  Hopefully they have it all resolved now and you'll get to read my usual blather. 

Okay, you have to see this, it's just so cool.  It's called Frappr and basically lets groups of readers map where they're from using Google maps.  I found it on Anonymous Fat Woman's super cool blog and decided A Smaller Target needed one too.  It's kind of sad right now though because I've used the global view and am currently all alone.  So please, follow the link and Frappr yourself.

It's been a busy few days since I last wrote. 

On Thursday, as I said, I joined Easton Gym, even though it was kinda expensive (for us) and we're kinda still broke since this was the first month in almost a year that we both got paid.  I've determined I'm going to make it worthwhile by going and working out at least 5 times a week.  It's not the most fancy gym, but it's clean and friendly and about 10 blocks from our apartment so I can walk there.

Friday I did some research at UCLA and then Paul met me outside STA in Westwood so we could try and book our tickets for our trip to the UK for Christmas.  I cannot recommend them highly enough.  For the second time, STA saved us a good chunk of money on our trip to the UK.  Both Paul and I are pretty web savvy, but the best fare we'd been able to find was $760 each round-trip.  The STA agent knocked it down another $50 a ticket and got us on pretty good flights on United.  We're leaving on 22 December and returning on 8 January.  We do have to change planes each way, but still, not bad at all.  Thanks STA!  By the way, you don't have to be a student to use them, though they do have some discount programs available to full-time students.  What they do specialize in is cheap no-frills travel arrangements. 

We celebrated our good fortune with dinner at Falafel King in the village, which gave me flashbacks to my undergrad days.  The food was good (we split a lamb dinner with sides), but something didn't agree with me and gave me (ugh) painful gas!  Fortunately the Gas-X chewables I bought afterward seemed to do the trick. Then we went to see A History of Violence, which my mom had said was a bit long, but I thought was fantastic and paced just right for the plot.  It's worth seeing, and not just for the sight of Viggo's bare bum (though that's definitely a bonus).   

Yesterday Paul and I walked around Third Street and then I met my brother and his girlfriend (they've been together more than 10 years and live together too, girlfriend just sounds way too trivial to use for her) for coffee at Anastasia's.  He wanted me to meet someone he's doing a documentary film about named Adelard Blackman.  He's a member of the Buffalo River Dene Nation of Canada and (you may have read about this) spoke to the United Nations Commission on Human Rights about treaty violations and genocide by the government of Canada against his people.  Right now he's trying to take the Canadian government and the multinational corporations they've been allowing to violate tribal land rights to the World Court at the Hague.  I was very impressed with him.  He's soft-spoken, self-effacing, kind and very very passionate about human suffering.  It was a huge honor to meet him. 

I also went to the gym for the first time yesterday and discovered that if I bring my headphones, I can watch cable TV while I work out on the elliptical (they're all fitted with small flat screens).  This is great because we don't have cable at home.  I bet I can stay on longer if I'm getting to see Law and Order (yes, I'm addicted).  I did 35 minutes on the elliptical on the hill climber setting, burning a total of 465 calories.  I also did a circuit on the machines, 100 sit-ups and 15 bench presses with the 45 pound bar.  It seemed a good start.

It was a strange day yesterday in that I had a hard time convincing myself to eat anything.  Maybe because the gas Friday night had been so painful and now that it was passed I just wanted to let my stomach be.  I'm going to need a lot of protein today because I didn't eat very much yesterday.  It's weird not to be hungry, to have no desire for food, you know?

And now I have to go finish the outlining of a chapter.  I'm hoping to make it back over to the gym tonight.

PS.  Did I mention how much I want you to go and do an entry on A Smaller Target's Frappr map?  Please please?

Tagged!

The first day of training went well.  It was fun getting to spend the day with my dear friend.  The work isn't hard, but there are a lot of details plus the office is switching to a computerized way of doing editing and no one is quite sure how it will all work.  So I tried to focus hard and keep my head from spinning off in the process.   

After work, we went over to a friend's apartment so HWLBO could help her put together some IKEA furniture.  She's just returned to us after 5 years in the UK so needs to furnish her room.   Sadly, her new housemate has cats (the honest and for true most spoiled princess of a cat in the whole world -- I've never been looked at that distainfully by anyone, man or beast!) and a dog so my extremely bad allergies meant that I had to spend the afternoon by the apartment's pool.  Oh woe is me!  My friend and did the breast stroke back and forth while chatting.  And then I lounged in the sun and made vitamin D (my new pc term for tanning).  It was great.  HWLBO got her dresser together, but then the heat was bad enough that he had to come down and sit with us and drink Coke.  But he did promise to come back and put her bed and desk together another day.

Late Wednesday night, I got suddenly and violently ill for no good reason.  It was painful and scary and seemed caused by gas issues.  So Thursday I've been very lazy and, except for a small trip to the post office, spent the day reading and doing web stuff while drinking lots of water.  I feel lot better which is good since I have training again tomorrow.

But what about the tagged line?  I have my first meme from the lovely Sarah at Moral Calculus.  It's a song meme asking me to tell 10 songs I'm rocking to and then spread the love.  Like Sarah (who is another smutty Snape girl, god love her), I used to be a wannabe music snob caused by dating the wrong men and hanging with the wrong crowd.  Now though I'm old and listen to what I like.  Mostly I look to music to be energizing.  Especially lately since do most of my listening on the ipod during my walks.

That said, doing this has made me realize I'm not listening to enough new music. 

So what I'm into:

American Girl by Tom Petty -- I've loved this song since I was in high school.  Maybe even a little before.  Which means for more than 20 years.  Ack.  But I still love it.

Birdhouse in Your Soul by They Might Be Giants -- a song HWLBO introduced me to.  It's definitely the most mood lifting song that's ever been written. 

Baby's Got Back by Sir-Mix-A-Lot -- okay, nothing makes me groove like this song.  It puts spring in my step and wiggle in my walk.  Even though, despite some earlier questions, I don't seem to have a problem keeping my hands off my own booty.  :)

Bent by MatchboxTwenty -- it's hard and loving at the same time.  And Ron Thomas rocks my world, though I think he looks a little too sensitive (ugh!) on his new album.   

Here Comes the Sun by Nina Simone -- I like the original Beatles version too.  But Nina Simone's both rips my heart out and makes me smile. 

Leather and Lace by Stevie Nicks -- it's just what I want to hear sometimes.  I've always loved her voice.

Happy Phantom by Tori Amos -- It's fun and silly and I always end up singing along.  That should also make it a bit scary.   This reminds me I don't have her new album Beekeeper yet and I want it.  Hmm... soon.  Very soon.

All About Chemistry by Semisonic -- it's sexy and innocent and oh so singable.  I like California and Closing Time too, but really one song per band is gonna have to be it.

Flowers In the Window by Travis -- I'm still a newlywed and this is a very sweet love song. 

Evil Ways by Santana -- this is going to stand for a lot of Santana.  I love listening to him no matter who's singing.  It makes me think of my dad who was always a fan.  Why haven't I been to one of Carlos's concerts anyway?

Brown-Eyed Girl by El Chicano -- I know the orginal is by Van Morrison and it's great too.  But this song is la vida loca.  I love it and it makes me feel pretty when I hear it.  How many songs can you say that about?

Okay, so I did 11.  Who would I take out?  I'm not gonna say.  Deal with it.

Now for the tagging.  Ooo!  This is hard.  I suspect many of these people are too cool for this.  But what the heck.

Kelly - because she's finished with the bar and not posting enough because she's on vacation.  Plus she just complained her blog isn't getting enough hits.  So go there and tell her it's all about quality and she should stop whinging.  (No, really I'm joking about that part.  Just tell her she's smart and it's great that she blogs so much stuff.)

Kim - because she's playing tennis two weeks post-op (sheesh! I was impressed I was walking!), because she's sweet and always says great things about my blog.

Jerilyn - because everything she writes is funny.  Plus Chubby Girl Brigade is a year old this week and I haven't written anything for it yet.  How did the world exist without it?

Beth - because Mama blogs faster than anyone else.  I feel guilty about not posting enough everytime I go to her blog.  My only comfort is imagining that she types faster than me.   At least I hope so.

Paul - aka HWLBO.  Because he rocks my world.  And if I like what he's found I can put it on my iPod too.  Besides otherwise this will be all girls.

MaryBeth - because she makes me laugh and breaks my heart and is someone I admire endlessly for her honesty and wit and most of all her writing.  I'd love to know what music
plays in her house and head.

Okay, so now you all are it.  And remember, this blog takes trackbacks.  ;)

A light! And it's not a train!

First, thank you all so much for your wonderful comments about my jeans.  I was a little nervous about putting the pictures up, but am glad I did.  Hearing such supportive things from so many people means more than I can really say.  ::sniff:: Steph, thanks for the suggestion, but really, my husband is not a happy person in the morning.  It's much more fun to save our games for afternoon or evening when I know he'll be receptive.

My interview went pretty well, I think.  I'm definitely qualified for the job and tried not to burble too much.  I'm supposed to find out if I got the job (it's between me and 4 no, 3 other people who are also very well qualified to do the job) early this week.  Keep your fingers crossed for me please.

I did discover as I was getting dressed that MB was right -- my lovely Ralph Lauren shoes which fit perfectly a month ago are just a shade away from being too big.  I had to focus when walking on not letting my heel slip out.  They are a 9 and I usually wear an 8 -8.5, but have been taking 9 in dress shoes to give my pudgy toes more room.  I guess they're getting slimmer. Good thing my mom wears a 9 -- hopefully she'll be able to wear these lovelies when I can't.   I wonder if I'll go back to my pre-weight gain shoe size of 7 - 7.5?  That would be beyond weird.  I've always liked shopping for shoes even though I've always had weird shaped feet (wide in the front, very narrow in the heel, high arches) that are hard to fit. Still, my feet have been the most normal thing about me for so long.  I don't have tons of shoes I'd regret getting too small for -- I haven't had the money to indulge my shoe buying.  But I do have a good sized collection of doc martens (like 6 pairs) and it would be sad if none of them fit any more.  Still, it would be something new to buy on the next UK trip.   

I think the thing that would make me saddest is that there isn't anyone I know who they'd fit that I could pass them to.  Ah well.

On Friday we went to see the new Batman film in the IMAX theater at The Bridge.  I really loved it, not least of all because I agree with Kelly that Christian Bale is yummy.  Very yummy.  And I don't care if he's short in real life, he looked plenty big on the screen.  Both HWLBO and my brother had some issues with the plot (too many villains) but then I don't think they were reacting to Mr. Bale quite the way I was.  I'd have happily sat through a second screening.

And then yesterday, after six months of waiting, the light finally came on at the end of the tunnel.  HWLBO got a letter from the INS (or whatever they call themselves these days) giving him an appointment day and time for his work permit / fingerprinting meeting-thingee.  It is the same day and time as my 3 month appointment with Dr. Kaufman, but that's okay.  I can't tell you how exciting this is.  Basically, he hasn't been able to work at USC since we married in December because (get this) it's legal for him to work while he's applying for a green card by marriage, but not legal for USC to employ him until he has a work permit.  Normally these take about 30 days to get, but post 9-11 things are moving very very slowly.  The Occupational Therapy department has been holding his job for him for the past six months, but the wait has been draining financially.  And emotionally.  This letter is the first real indication that there's an end out there somewhere.  Thank God.

I tell you though as someone who's a 4th and 8th generation American citizen, if you're ever tempted to think we make it too easy for people from other countries to move to the US, you better think again because you're very wrong.  Our system is set up to catch and thwart people who are honest while not really providing enough checks against the dishonest and criminal.  It makes me want to weep sometimes.  This process has been a total eye-opener, especially when I consider that if we'd decided to go the other way (me moving to the UK) I would have had my fiancee visa and permission to work in a day or two from the British Consulate in Los Angeles.  There's something very wrong about the way the INS / Office of Homeland Security does business.  They make the IRS look friendly, well managed and helpful. 

But anyway, as I said, there's now a light visible in the distance.  With some luck, HWLBO and I will both be drawing our first paychecks at the end of August.  All we need to do is figure out how to pay rent in July.