A Smaller Target

A Christmas Meme

A Christmas edition of a getting to know your friends meme. :)

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper with ribbons except where the gift makes it impossible.

2. Real tree or artificial? Can be either depending on the year. Real the years we're at home, fake for the years we're traveling.

3. When do you put up the tree? Early to mid - December.

4. When do you take the tree down? Twelvth Night.

5. Do you like eggnog? Yes, but only the commercial kind, over ice and without booze.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? A Spirograph when I was 9. I've never wanted anything so much before or since. It was the most perfect gift ever.

7. Hardest person to buy for? Paul, not because he's difficult but because I want the gift to be just right and that rarely happens.

8. Easiest person to buy for? My father. He loves getting presents and is thrilled by everything he gets.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes -- a creche which passed to me when my grandparents died. I love it in all its chipped and glued-back-together glory.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail -- about once every 5 years or so.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? You know, I'm so spoiled that I don't think I've ever gotten a bad present. Or maybe I just love presents!

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Ooo... so many. In order: "The Thin Man," "Love Actually," "Nightmare Before Christmas," "A Christmas Story."

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? The week before Christmas, finishing on Christmas Eve because I love shopping on Christmas Eve (seriously). I can't shop early because as soon as I have a present for someone I have to give it to them. The idea of shopping a month or more ahead of time sounds like torture.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? See's chocolate a few times.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Tamales and homemade Christmas cookies.

16. Lights on the tree; colored or white? Colored

17. Favorite Christmas song? "The Christmas Song," "Baby It's Cold Outside" "There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays" and "River" But I like almost all Christmas songs / carols. Except "The Little Drummer Boy" -- that one makes me want kill myself.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? I don't care, so long as we get to be with lots of family and friends.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Yes, though I need to sing the song in my head to do it.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Depends on the year.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas Eve, after Midnight Mass.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Red is a favorite color, but my favorite ornaments are the ones Paul's bought for me over the years.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Roast Beef and Yorkshire puddings with chocolate yule cake for dessert.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? My mom's total recovery from her surgery on December 8th.

26. Who is most likely to respond to this? Sentimental sorts like me.

Unexpected Road Trip

I'm probably going to be quiet for a couple of days.  I'm taking a weekend road trip with my dad from LA to Portland leaving this afternoon.  We'll be back Sunday night.

He's somewhat impulsively decided to sell his Tahoe and get a smaller car.  Because the truck is still registered in Portland, they still officially live there and Oregon has no sales tax, it makes sense to him to take the truck up there and buy the car up there.  Plus he'll get to spend the holiday weekend with my mother. 

Great, but the trip is 16 hours each way.  That's a long way to drive alone and the idea of him doing it was freaking my mom out.   Me too actually when I heard about it.  In a perfect world Paul or my brother could go and share the driving.  We don't live in a perfect world and work keeps either of them from being able to sign onto this adventure.  I don't drive but I can go and be a good passenger.  So that's what I'm doing.  After work today, Sacramento here I come.  W00T!

And no, I'm not just doing this because I'm a good daughter.  I'm doing it partly because this impulsive decision is my fault at least in part (though I haven't told my mother).  You see, when he and I were walking on Santa Monica Pier Sunday, I mentioned that my very small carbon footprint (I take the bus and walk everywhere) probably means our family is breaking even despite his 14 mile per gallon gas guzzler.   

Yeah.

I'll have to remember that he listens to me sometimes.  O the power!

What do I feel?

This should be an entry to remind myself that at 40 I should know better than to try and set between friends who are either disagreeing or don't like each other.  Especially when I don't know what's going on.  The only thing both people could end up agreeing on is that I should mind my own business.

Why I apparently don't know better and keep making the mistakes the got me in trouble in junior high, why I need everyone around me to get along and to love me are questions that will probably take the next 40 years to resolve. 

I can't muse on my crazy insecurities today. 

Today I'm at work, working in bursts because the mindlessness of my job makes it an easy place to hide..

Today I've turned off my phones and am ignoring my email.

Today I'm trying to find the courage to walk into my boss's office and tell her about the call I just got from my mom.  But I can't do it.  That call which I should have been expecting has somehow ripped a hole in me.   

My grandmother is dying.  She's been going by inches for the past year, but her inches are running out.  At 101 her life is terrible -- even the smallest acts of independence are being stripped away while her mind has stayed horribly alert and aware of every loss.  Over the past year, as it's become clear my nana can never get well, can only decline, I've hoped and prayed for her to pass peacefully.  Dying peacefully is the right thing for me to want here and the kindest and most merciful outcome.  I know this.

But I don't want it and so maybe I haven't really prayed for either.  I'm selfish and I don't want to let her go.  At the worst moments of my life, childhood and adulthood, she's been there for me, making me feel loved as unconditionally as it would be possible for anyone to be.  Her very existence and love for me saved my life, not just once but repeatedly, including one time when I was 10 years old and she confronted my parents about their abuse of me and threatened to take me away from them. 

When I was a child and she was taking care of me, I worried often that she would die.  Back then, 70 seemed very old and she used to play a bit with guilt, telling me when I rolled my eyes at being told to push my bangs out of my face when I read or not to bite my nails that I wouldn't have her to bother me much longer.  One summer when I was 11, the thought of losing her made me burst into tears and in comforting me she swore she would be here with me as long as I needed her. 

That's right.  She loved me me so much and was so distressed at having hurt me by her teasing she swore not to leave until I was sure I could let her go. 

My nana is in Portland -- more than a 1000 miles away from me.  Her weight down to 65 pounds.  She has cancer that's spread throughout her body and for which there is no treatment.  Her younger sister and older brother are both dead now.  Last summer my grandfather, her husband of 70 years, died and left her alone to mourn him.  My mom told me today Nana can't hold down food or water.

She has always been safety and home to me and soon  I have to travel north to say goodbye.  Somehow very soon I have to let her know it's okay for her to go, that I'll be fine.

But I don't believe it.  And selfishly in my heart, however much she wants and needs to go, I don't want her to leave.

I'm Back

Weight:  170

Okay so I'm back to blogging.  At least I think so anyway.   What's been going on?  Mostly I've just sort  of lost the will to type at the end of my work day.  But I miss blogging so I'm going to make time for it.  Nothing is wrong especially other than my usual anxiety / angst -- but thanks much for the comments and emails asking me where I'd gone.  I just retreat at times.

In other news... 

I found out last last week that my parents are moving back to Los Angeles.  My dad's been offered a great position in the LA office.  They'd talked to me about this when they were in Los Angeles following Eloise's surgery.  I was excited then, even more so when they told me my dad had been putting out feelers about returning to LA before they went to Italy (they went for 2 1/2 weeks in early March to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary).  But I wasn't getting my hopes up because, well, lots can happen plus the company needed to be willing to compensate him for the difference in cost of living between the two cities and pay for their relocation.   It's now official though.  And, knowing how his industry works, the move will happen fast.  He's expecting to be in LA pretty often by the end of the month.  My mom will stay in Portland until both the house sells and we figure out a good place in LA for my grandmother. 

Helping to find a place for my grandmother has become my new task.  While, on the one hand, she's almost 101, on the other she's in pretty good health and has all of her marbles -- more than can be said of her granddaughter.  Her current living arrangement is sort of a studio apartment with some supervision and assistance with dressing and bathing.  She has all her own furniture around her and a little kitchen space where she can make toast and coffee (there's no way she'd be up for eating at 8am).  The place is very clean and the people who work there are very kind and caring.  I need to find something like it in LA so she can feel happy here.  Tricky that. 

My dissertation is going well -- the chapter I'm working on is now over 60 pages and I'm just starting to go back and insert the most recent research on the author (Maria Amparo Ruiz de Burton) and novel (Who Would Have Thought It?).  I suspect I've got another 10 - 20 pages to write on it and then be able to clean it up a bit and pass it on to my advisor.  I plan to trim out a good part of it, but want her to read it in its full form first.  It's nice to feel things moving forward for a change.

Paul and I did our taxes and discovered we had a better year than we thought.  So good that we owe a good chunk of change to the IRS.  Feh.  Anyway, like everything else it'll get paid somehow.  Meantime he's still freelancing while looking for work.  Though the irony is that having to earn enough to keep our rent paid is sort of cutting into his ability to look for a real job.  Vicious circle that.  Me thinks he needs a headhunter.  Anyone know a decent one in technology / computer programming?  Still he earns far more than I can. 

Work is stressful right now yet still mind numbingly dull.  Even so, I'm so relieved to have a job for next year.  The idea of having to search for another one just would bite in so many ways. 

That's it for now.  I'm going to try and blog every day this week but you know what they say about good intentions.  We'll see how I do. 

A Slurpee Weekend

Sometimes I totally forget how fortunate I am but then something happens that reminds me.  What in my very fortunate life could I be talking about here?

The weather.  It was one of those weekends, but even within the weekend, Saturday was one of those days.

We slept in and stayed in bed longer, sunshine streaming through our window curtains.  I could feel the warmth coming through.  I'd decided to go to the Santa Monica farmer's market in search of berries (see Pavolva pics).   On an impulse I pulled out a red sundress (the one from Anthropologie that I wore for my grandmother's 100th party) and put in on with sandels, grabbing a jean jacket as we headed out the door.  I did have a moment of fear, wondering if I'd be cold.  I'm always cold, but decided that I needed to feel sun on my skin and I probably could use the vitamin D. 

Of course you know what happened.  In less than a block the jacket was tied around my waist and I was wondering why I'd even brought it.  It was so warm, with temperatures in Santa Monica well over 80.  It felt like June.  Or even July -- lots of days in the summer don't get that warm.   

I did my berry picking (out of a stall at the market) and met up with Paul at the Apple Store.  When we headed home I realized I was actually hot.  I can't tell you how weird that is -- I'm cold all the time.  Suddenly, walking up Wilshire with Paul, it felt like a summer day from my childhood.  In response to that I suggested stopping for slurpees at our local 7/11.  Big spender, I even made the brain freeze my treat.

Paul got their new flavor, Strawberries and Cream (he wasn't so fond) while I got the Crystal Light SF Raspberry Lemonade (a little too sweet, but it tasted o so good).  Of course I lost control of the spiggot and nearly made a huge mess, but it was all fun and good. 

How is this weight loss related?  Because I remember when just walking to farmer's market and back -- a total of maybe 14 blocks -- would have been too much, especially in any sort of heat.  To celebrate that, not to mention a day in the 80s in mid February, well, how can I not feel fortunate?

190 Pounds Later and She Still Can't Take a Decent Picture

Just for fun!

Paul and me on Christmas in  2003.  That's me, pre-op and the always handsome Paul   (Is Paul wearing lipstick?  Not sure.) along with a cameo by my brother

This next one was taken at my grandmother's 100th birthday party this summer (June 2006).  Where am I looking?  It would be a great shot if I was actually looking at my husband.  And why am I not wearing any make-up?  Oh well....

So This Was Christmas: Christmas Eve

(this entry was begun Christmas Day and finished on the 26th)

Weight: Forgot to do it this yesterday morning.

Thanks for all the good wishes.

This was a great Christmas.  I hope yours was every bit as wonderful

So, about Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve morning my dad and I went and picked Nana up at Greenridge, the assisted living apartment where she lives.  Paul calls it the "maximum security twilight home, but it's really a great place.  They've taken amazing care of her, especially in terms of keeping her in good spirits since my grandfather died this past summer.  She's gained 12 pounds which has been great as she'd gotten way too thin while my grandfather was so ill.  It was really hard for my mom to admit two years ago that she couldn't care for her parents at home anymore (they required too much lifting assistance and the stress and fear of them falling was killing her) but every time I go to Greenridge, I can see how much better my grandmother is there then she was when she moved in.  After my grandfather died, going back to live there rather than staying here with my parents was her choice.  I think she likes having her own apartment and taking care of herself as much as she can.  At my parents she couldn't do nearly so much for herself.  Anyway, watching Mom and Nana I find myself

While we were gone, my mom really went to town making a killer breakfast.  She made waffles (my parents have two or maybe three waffle irons 'cause they love them so much), sausage, bacon, fresh squeeze orange juice (some memories of California) the whole deal.  Filling myself too full I had about 2/3 of a wonderful waffle with butter and real maple syrup (omigod so good!) and a slice of bacon.

 

After doing some last minute shopping for stocking stuffers with Paul in the afternoon, I went to Mass with my parents and nana on Christmas Eve.  I'd considered skipping out.  The day had already left me feeling pretty tired and I haven't been very religious lately.  Plus going to 5pm Christmas Eve Mass didn't really compare to going at midnight.  But midnight mass would have been impossible for my grandmother.   Even going at 5 (though of course we had to get there at 4 to be sure of seats) was hard.  Still, the music was beautiful and made me glad I'd gone.   An observation though --wow, "Oregon casual" in terms of church clothing puts Los Angeles to shame.

Though it's embarrassing to admit it, big among my reasons for going was wanting to wear the beautiful black wood jersey dress by Tweed that had been a hand-me-down from a friend.  Even with my swelling, the dress (which is a large) is too big.  I still marvel at being in misses sizes.  I wonder when that won't seem strange.  I also discovered that the size 38 lovely Italian leather heels I bought last December are now too big.  I wore them and of course they still look lovely, but are too big to walk gracefully in now.   The good thing is that we discovered that they now fit my mom (who has lost 50 pounds herself) perfectly so she's promised to love and care for them.  I guess I really am a size 7 - 7.5.  Feh.

After mass we came back to the house and had a supper of cheeses, crackers, olives and piles and piles of cold shrimp.   Yum.   There were also STACKS and  PLATES of homemade Christmas cookies.  Still are actually.  My parents are quite popular and neighbors seem to be lining up to bring presents and good cheer.  I've been amazingly good. They're delicious, but a bite or two seem to satisfy.

Paul then was deemed "Santa" and we sat around the tree while he passed out our gifts.   He's become quite good  about my family's custom of opening presents on Christmas Eve.  There's lots of reasons for this tradition -- before the move my parents usually hosted huge extended family parties on Christmas Day, we always went to midnight mass so it was tradition to come home to gifts from Santa... blah, blah, blah.  The real reason though is that no one in my family has any self control when it comes to giving presents.  It still amazes me that people can do all their shopping before Thanksgiving.  Not that they can be so organized, but that having bought a gift for someone they can seriously PLAN to wait a month to give it to them.  Not in my household.  We can barely stand to get them wrapped before we give them to each other.  Last night was no exception.  Most hardly had time to settle under the tree.

In any case, soon we all had stacks of loot.  Naturally my grandmother, who isn't exactly easy to buy for, had the largest stack of things.  We started trying to take turns opening, but soon tore into our loot.  I got lots of good things, including some great fuzzy warm socks, a spa certificate and some bath stuff.  The two stand-out gifts were an iBall (from Oregon Scientifc) that I'm to share with Paul -- a good thing as I haven't yet been able to replace my own stolen iPod --and The New Best Recipe, a book put out by Cook's Illustrated magazine.  I've been an avid reader of Cook's for years (that's how I learned to cook) and this cook book was on my wish list for last Christmas.  It was a total surprise and I just love it.

Everyone seemed really happy with their gifts.  It wasn't a year where we spent a lot on presents (then again, in my family it usually isn't -- gifts tend to be more for the children then the adults).  We tend to focus a lot on being together.  This year was kind of hard -- we were all spread out across the country.  It seemed like the phone never stopped ringing here between the 24th and 26th as we all tried to connect and reconnect.  In a strange way, my sister having to have surgery is almost a blessing as it means my family (sister, brother, mom, dad and me) will all be in Los Angeles together for a little while.  But, after two Christmases away from my parents and grandparents (just Nana now, of course), it meant a lot to me to be here with Paul this year.

By midnight we were all ready to sleep.  As I'm still sleeping in a recliner in the family room I promised to watch for Santa coming to fill the stockings. 

Happy Christmas Eve!

Weight 181

I'm sitting with my Nana and Paul next to the Christmas tree at my parents' house.  They wisely opted to put it in the family room this year rather than in the living room.  No one ever goes in the living room, but we all spend hours a day in the family room (it links to the kitchen and the TV is in here too).  It's been nice to get to spend more time sitting near it.  The tree is real, but is so perfect that it looks like a fake one.  My mom picked it out at a local Christmas tree farm the weekend before Thanksgiving and then had it cut and brought to the house the week after.  My dad decorated it -- his first time ever doing that.  I'm going to try and get a picture taken with it in the next couple days. 

Yesterday my grandfather would have been 101.  It's our first Christmas without him.  Though it was his time to go, it's strange to celebrate the holidays without him.  For all of us, Christmas is linked to him especially because his birthday was always sort of the first Christmas party the night before Christmas Eve.

I'm feeling pretty good after two days of laying around doing next to nothing.  Last night one of my drain holes and a spot on my incision line started draining again.  The drainage grosses me out beyond words, but seems pretty healthy too.  This morning the swelling had gone down and it felt less sore.  My hope is that it will have healed pretty much completely by next week.  We'll see.

My time as family invalid is definitely ending anyway.  Last month, my sister Eloise was in a car accident last month and injured her back.  As the swelling has gone down and she's had MRIs and the like, it's become clear that she has two broken vertebrates and three ruptured discs.  It's also become clear that they aren't going to heal on their own -- she needs spinal surgery.  Since she lives in Lima Ohio where the medical care is okay but they don't have much in the way of specialists, my parents are flying her to Los Angeles so she can have her surgery and rehab at Cedars Sinai Hospital's Spinal Institute.   

Eloise had a rather serious back injury 18 years ago and had surgery at Cedars then, making a perfect recovery.  Since then she's had no problems so we feel very hopeful that her surgeon can repeat his success.  She's flying in on January 3 and has a series of appointments and then surgery on January 8.  It's serious -- right now she has no feeling in her legs; they're totally numb -- but we're glad she can be in such good hands. 

That's about it for now.  :)

Notes From Portland I

Weight: 181 (on parents' scale)

So I'm in Portland Oregon now for Thanksgiving.  This will probably be an odd entry as I'm sipping a huge double scotch just now (15 year old single malt Dalwhinnie).  I'm about halfway through it and it's just getting smoother.  No, I don't drink very often.  It's not because of wls but rather because my ex husband was an alcoholic, which of course prompted me to quit drinking.  Co-dependency and all that stuff.  Whatever.

What's happened lately? 

Hmm, did I mention I was in Portland?

I've been visiting with my parents and enjoying their company, DirectTV and experiencing the wonder that is Tivo (this is definitely on my ever-expanding wish list).  I've been to visit my Nana in what Paul refers to as the "Maximum Security Twilight Home" (no, it's really quite nice), showed my mom how to work bluetooth to download pictures from her phone to her mac, slept, eaten out, shopped at Powell's and gone jogging / walking.

Oh and we went last night and saw Casino Royale. 

I want to see it again.  I've been a fan of  Ian Flemming / Bond films since childhood and looked forwarded to this release.  But it exceeded my best hopes and expectations. It rocked.

I'll be the first to say I had issues with the choice of Daniel Craig for the new James Bond.  I'd seen him in Layer Cake and liked him and it but I wanted it to be Clive Owen.  I was wrong... not that I don't think Clive Owen would be great,  but just from this one film, Daniel Craig may be the best Bond ever.  And the man is SMOKING hot.  Women in the theater gasped out loud when he turned around on the beach in (very tight) swim trunks. 

It's a great flick and you'll be sorry if you miss it.  But pace yourself with your beverage as the movie's almost two and a half hours long.

Monday, Monday

Weight 184.5 (pharmacy scale)

Thanks for the kind words about my political rant.  I don't expect everyone to agree with me -- I mean, what are the odds of that-- but I don't expect anyone to try and silence me.  It that sort of thing just makes me want to write about politics even more often.  In fact, fair warning, there's a rant about Wal-Mart coming soon. 

But in other news...

I'm getting ready to leave at the crack o' dawn for Portland OR on Thursday.  I'll be there on my own (Paul's staying home finishing up some work and looking for a new job) except, of course, for my family including my brother and his girlfriend.  I'm staying for 12 days both because it'll be my first visit since June and also to thwart the airlines who otherwise would jack the fares.  My mom and I talked quite a bit last night and I expressed my worry about needing to eat healthy and not give into my carb cravings while staying in their house.  She told me the great news that a) she's lost 30 pounds since July and b) that she and my dad have stopped having the carb-y crap in the house.  Woot! 

The bad news she had was that my sister Eloise (who is down to the 180s herself and must look amazing) was in a bad car accident over the weekend.  Her car was hit head-on by a young driver (16 yo) in an SUV who lost control of the car while making a left turn when she hadn't slowed down enough.  Eloise's car was apparently totalled and she was taken strapped to a board to the hospital.  She's okay --got to go home and everything-- but she's very very sore and has back pain.  But the amazing part of this is what the police officer at the scene told her, that if she hadn't had her seatbelt on she probably would have been ejected through the passenger window and killed. 

You see, something I didn't know was pre-op Eloise's seat belt didn't fit and so she didn't wear the lap part.  In a very immediate sense having had her RnY in Feb 2005 and losing over 220 pounds saved her life. I'm so thankful that my parents gave her the money to pay for the surgery.  It's not without risks, of course.  Eloise's IV B-12 treatments are proof of that.  But I can hardly bear to imagine her having been in this accident without a seatbelt. 

Plans for plastic surgery continue apace.  I've got to find time to go in for a thyroid test before I leave as there may not be time after I get back.  A huge packet of information came from my surgeon's office and answered a number of the questions I had about post-op recovery, drains and the like.  According to the package, it will be about 2-3 weeks after surgery before I feel like I can stand fully erect (!!!).  And 6 weeks before I'm supposed to engage in vigorous exercise.  So I guess there'll be lots of short walks and plenty of time for blogging. I just hope that I'm well enough to travel to Portland two weeks later for Christmas.  Reading the instructions it sounds like it will be a near thing.

I have an intake appointment with Dr. Soo on December 5 and then have to be at the hospital at 5:30 AM on December 6.  Surgery starts at 7:30 am.  I can't really believe I'm going to do this. 

But calendar says it's definitely coming.

PS.  A shout out of "Go Baby!" to Melting Mama who's busy over on her own blogging being an amazing mom and also dropping baby weight daily.  You go girl! (And your new wee one is too cute for words.)