Numbers

Weight: 169

Forgive this angst-filled entry.  I know the thoughts that are going to follow aren't rational at all.  But these are thoughts that haunt me sometimes, especially when I'm menstrating. 

I feel fat today, even though the scale (in addition to telling me that my weight is up) also told me my body fat is down and hydration (read: period bloat) is up too.  I know I'm carrying 3 - 5 pounds of water and that next week my weight will probably be back at 165ish.

I know it, but I don't believe it.  On some level I think at any moment there's going to be a sea change and I'm going to start gaining again.  I'll see 175 (in fact I expected to see it today), which wouldn't bother me, except that I'll see on the way to 190, which again is okay, but will be on the way to 200.  And I imagine maintaining there a while before slowly creeping back up to 225.  To 250, 275, 298... 

You see where this is going, right?  That part of me really believes in my soul that this reprieve from super super morbid obesity is only temporary.  That as soon as I stop losing I'm going to start gaining.  More than that, part of me somehow believes that I'm not really normal, that somehow underneath my clothes I'm still fat. 

Now I know -- know -- I've made profound changes to my life.  I'm more active and long to be even moreso.  I don't eat junk food except under very rare and limited circumstances.  I'm consciously aware of my weight.  But I want to write some numbers down today, aside from my daily weight.   And yes, I know I need to update the measurements section / link.  I figure I'll do it at my two year point (next month) which will also probably be when I'm allowed to go back to the gym and (hopefully) start working out again.

But here are my sizes.   

At the time of my DS surgery I wore:

• size 26/26 (Lane Bryant) panties.  And they were really too tight.
• 54 DD bras
• size 36W jeans / pants.
• size 28 skirt (and they were really too small).
• size 3X - 4X shirts  or men's XXXL.
• dress size 4X.
• 9.5 wedding ring
• 8.5-9 shoes (5-6 UK Docs)
• My BMI was 61

Today I wear:

• size 7 panties
• size 34 C bras
• size 10 - 12 jeans (or size 31)
• size 8 - 10 skirts
• size medium shirts (though I wear everything from small to large -- darn women's sizing!)
• size is 10-12 dresses
• size 5.5 wedding band
• size 7 shoes (4-5 UK Docs)
• My BMI is 28.

A confession?  I don't ever let myself wear pants that aren't fitted or are stretch-y except while exercising. This was even true post-tummy tuck when I had wounds, bandages and drains.  While I did spend a good deal of time in drawstring pajamas, when I dressed, I wore jeans or slacks, despite knowing I really should just wear sweats. 

Why?  Loose clothes make me nervous. I'm irrationally afraid that if I start wearing loose / stretch-y pants again, it'll be a signal that I'm gaining weight, that my sizes are creeping up again.   Yet I haven't yet gotten rid of all my big clothes.  Some, yes.  But not all.  Some are even still in my closet and shelves.  As if they're just waiting for the upward creep to begin.

I'm going to bag them up this weekend and move them out of the closet -- make sure the clothes and shoes in there are ones that fit me now. 

As to my weight?  I'm trying hard to believe the number on the scale and on the labels in my clothing.  And trying not to just keep sizing myself upwards.

Thanks for bearing with me while I wrote this.  Seeing it on the screen is doing me some good. 

---

Positive stuff?  There are really wonderful things going on all over our blog-verse. 

• Pasta Queen is now half the woman she was! 
• Anne has gone down to size 20 (20 R) jeans!
• Deluzy has dropped into the 150s! 
• Tia is well into the 300s and has crossed her legs!
• *S* crossed her legs too!
• Beth is in the 160s AND has gotten herself banned at OH.  Damn I'm impressed.  I'm not sure I understand what happened, but I know you're in good company.
• Jules got an A!
• Bypass Lass's foot is healing well and she's in way less pain!

I'm sure there's more stuff to celebrate, but I've got to go eat lunch now. 

Comments

[Melting Mama]

Yeah, you saw that, eh?

I went back for like, the first time to OH to post and gain a little motivation, and "The Moderator" banned my arse.

I merely suggested to her that she shouldn't discuss previously banned members in a semi-public forum.

She didn't like that TOS'ed my signature on the forum for linking to "Threatening and defamatory" web sites three or four times. I'm banned fo' sho now. Although, it looks as if I've gained a reader or twenty from that episode. At least, she, the mod, who's reading daily, repeatedly now. Hee-hee.

As for the 160's THANK GOOD GRAVY. It's been a very long time since I've been here. Frankly with my stress level, I'm AMAZED I can do it right now. (The drama that is perhaps going to A Much Higher Level soon.)

[Lesley]

Get rid of the fat clothes - you don't need them and you won't need them.

Recycle them - someone else will love them

[sparkly_jules]

Thank you for mentioning me and my "A." It put a smile on my face. I've been reading your blog since 2005, about this time of year, spring for sure, and it means a lot to me for you to notice. I'm honored.

And congratulations to you. It almost seems unreal to me, too, and I'm not the one who had WLS. :-D But one of these days, you just never know.

Hugs,

Jules

PS: we're getting slammed with snow here in the Sierra Foothills. It's beautiful, but I'm not sure how I'm going to get down the mountain to campus tomorrow! :-D

[Deluzy]

Okay, this isn't going to help much, but in no particular order:

1) I just got my period today, and I, too, am Feeling Irrational as a result (and popping Midol Menstrual Complete, once recommended by Melissa Mermaid). I, too, feel fat even though I looked in the mirror tonight and worried that I suddenly look thin(ner) and old. Um, I can't BE both fat and thin. The truth is out there somewhere, Scully, but I can't see it.

2) This-Isn't-Real-and-I'm-Actually-Still- (Super Super)-Morbidly-Obese plagues almost all of us from time to time, I think. Part of it is about having been so fat for so long; part of it is about losing a lot of weight in a relatively short period of time ... I dunno. We spent YEARS being fat; it's going to take years, in some ways, to believe that we have the tools (surgical, lifestyle, and psychological) to maintain the loss.

3) It's SO sweet that you're celebrating the victories of fellow WLS bloggers.

4) I may in the 150s -- but I sure as shit am not wearing size 34 bras (40B --> a back as broad as the Mississippi) or 10-12 jeans (okay, the 14s from Avenue are too big, but my hernia prevents me from getting into any regular jeans I've tried on); my wedding band is size 8. not 5.5 (down from 10), and I still have a size 9-9.5 foot.

My weight, today, maybe lower than 169, but your other numbers are lower and smaller. And I know you know all of this already -- it's not ABOUT knowing but feeling. All of which is to say ... I Get It.

Yours in menstrual weirdness.

[Bypass Lass]

Cheers for mentioning my bioinic foot :) I'm getting better at hobbling with crutches each day and I'm hopefully going back to work on 12th March (although after a month on sick, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to remember what I do for a living!).

[Shannin]

I totally feel the same way about my weight - if it's not going down, it must go up and up and up. I know that's not logical, it's just how I feel... We're pretty much the same size (except my feet are bigger... LOL)...

[Ashley]

Hi there,

I was searching the web and came across your blog.

I enjoyed it, even though I know nothing more about you. Though from what I read, I don't really think I need to know anything else.

I struggle with my weight as well, so reading something like this sort of boosts my energy levels and makes me want to work this weight off.

Thanks,

Ashley