Divorce and WLS

[This started out as a reply to someone on one of the DS boards who was questioning the whys of divorce statistics post weight loss surgery.]

"Better to be alone and happy than married and miserable."

The divorce issue is disturbing -- and the numbers in our whole culture, but especially for weight loss surgery post-ops, are high.  According to a study USC is in the process of doing, it's about 60-80% within 5 years of WLS surgery (that's a lot higher than the national average which is calculated over all marriages over a lifetime).   However, it's no higher than the rate following any sort of major family crisis -- example: birth of a disabled child and the like.

I've though about it a lot as my husband and I married (my second marriage, I'd divorced 10 years earlier), even  knowing this, less than 3 months before my surgery. 

The following are generalizations and clearly DON'T apply to everyone or even most.  But definitely some.

• Part of the reason is that some obese people "settle."  They may marry someone less for love / passion and more because they don't want to be alone.  They put up with emotional and / or physical abuse, financial irresponsibility, infidelity and the like because they don't think they deserve / can find anything better.  Then they lose weight and suddenly realize they can.  The irony is they probably always could have.

• The marriage may be based on the obese person's dependence.  And / or codependence.  (This was the case with my first marriage -- I was MO, he was alcoholic.  He didn't talk about my weight, I didn't talk about his drinking.)  Suddenly when the weight is gone the formerly obese person starts mentioning their spouse's addiction.  Or they don't need them as much and that becomes threatening. 

• Jealousy can, imo, push people away from their spouse.  Someone very dear to me has found her spouse to be irrationally jealous of anyone she spends time with, assuming that now that she's thin and more attractive she's planning on leaving.  She's done nothing to merit this level of jealousy.  If it continues, I suspect they'll end up a statistic.

• For people who went through high school and college as MO, there may be a delayed sexual experimentation going on post-op, especially if their husband / wife has come to see the relationship and / or them as non sexual beings.  I know someone who pre-weight loss surgery just assumed their partner didn't want to have sex with them because of their weight.  Post-op they've come to see that their partner just doesn't want to have sex, period.

What I've seen mostly, I guess I'm trying to say, is the end of marriages that weren't very healthy to begin with and that over all it's hard to mourn the passing of them, other than that divorce is almost always hard and traumatic in the short term.  Maybe that sounds a little harsh, but that's how my first marriage ended, minus the weight loss surgery.  It was a bad marriage with a lot of things going on in it that weren't healthy. The only pain I really have felt at its ending is the guilt at not feeling anything but relief that it's over.  Something I realized is that when trapped in a co-dependent relationship, their is no ability to change the other person -- the only power one has is to get oneself out.

I always end up thinking of the lines between Robin Williams and Sally Fields in Mrs. Doubtfire:

RW: Marriage can be such a blessing...
SF: So can divorce.

When I finally left, it was because I realized I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone then spend it in that marriage.

Of course what happened was that by leaving my ex, I made myself available to the chance of finding someone else.  I'm so grateful to have had the chance to find someone who was capable of loving me -- fat, thinner, wrinkled, whatever. And someone who was willing to give as much to working out problems as I am, who doesn't hide in a bottle or let their depression swallow their / our lives.  I think we all deserve that even if it means embracing the pain of being alone.  The worse part about staying in a bad relationship, in my opinion, is that we close ourselves off to the possibility of both being happy on our own and the chance of finding our, if you'll forgive the term, soulmate.

Comments

[Deluzy]

Great post, Ezpy -- I agree on all fronts.

[Janey]

Dear Ezpy

What a beautiful post and so very spot on. I too am divorced and yes ending a long term relationship can be extremely painful even knowing that it is the 'right' thing to do at the time. Clinging on to the past almost seems preferable to the fear of what lies ahead. But ultimately, as you say, taking action to end a relationship that isn't working leads to freedom and the chance to enter new relationships. And what's more -hey - they can be so good!

Thank you
Janey XXX

[Melting Mama]

I started to write a lengthy reply here, and stopped. Great post, great topic. I don't have first hand experience of the big D, it's hard for me to write about splitting up after WLS. (We're a unique pair, though, having both lost weight together a couple of times.)

[caligirlPEI]

wow, great post ezpy. I have had many a therapy session over this very topic. when i had my DS back in 3/2001 i never thought i would seperate from my then husband in 10/2001 and divorced by 8/2002. we had a marriage that was full of anger yet we always seemed to present ourselves as the "loving couple" everyone wanted to be like. little did they know it was all an act and i was miserable both with my weight and my marriage.

after surgery things did change for me and it was like a light came on inside me that gave me that confidence to decide to tell him i wasnt happy and wanted out and we both knew it was coming sooner or later. little did i know this all would turn him into the biggest ass i had ever met and into someone i didnt even know after being married to them for 13 years. it was a hard time for me but it was truly the best thing that ever happened to me.

now im married to a man that is my prince charming and loves me for me and there hasnt been a day that we yell or hurt one another verbally. this is what love really is.

i think one of the other main problems with my first marriage was we married young. i was only 21 at the time and thought i was mature enough....well...i wasnt and can see that now. plus like the statistics show...i thought i had found someone and didnt want to lose that and thought i would never find anyone else that would love me as a fat person.

anyway....great post. we were warned going into my having surgery that this rate was high and we both laughed....but it does happen to those marriages that are already broken and damaged.

getting that divorce was the best thing i had ever done in my life (after the birth of my child of course). i've been so much more happier the past 5 years then i had been since i was a kid. that says a lot.

hugs to you girlie...sorry the comment was so long.

[*S*]

So many women make so many compromises for many, many reasons. It's especially true for fat women. Thanks for a thoughtful post on a heartbreaking problem. I'm glad I found my beshert and congrats to you too. I'll drink a cortadito in your honor!

*S*

[Sevika]

I'm witnessing a very different phenomenon, where my girlfriend had the surgery, she became a knock-out, and she seems to be on a high, gratified by all of the external strokes she's now receiving from the world. Except, she is now ready to throw away her husband whom she admits loving, admits to being her best friend. He has supported her all along the way, and it seems like she just wants to go out and make up for lost time. It is very sad, as she has two young children, and she seems to be delusional about the effect that it may have on them. Has anyone else experienced this/seen this kind of thing? She acknowledges what a wonderful husband he has been, but wants the thrill and excitement of romance/new love with her new knock-out body.