A Smaller Target: Being Good

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Weight 177

Preparations for the party are going on downstairs. Me, I'm upstairs listening. I can't help. If I do I won't be able to come to the party itself -- I'll have used all my energy. This is so frustrating. Of course, with this cold, no one wants me near the food anyway. Sitting on the sofa with the buzz of activity around me makes me feel like a slug.

Other thoughts? Two years ago, on December 24 I wrote the following in an entry:

Have you ever felt like you put your life on hold waiting for X or Y? I do. Everything good I try and deny myself because of my weight.

This was brought home for me very clearly earlier this week when my partner of close to eight years and I talked about eloping. I wanted to, but my first thought was "maybe we should wait until after I lose the weight." Part of me didn't feel I deserved to be a bride at the size I am.

We did marry, of course, two years ago today, despite some amazing drama about my wedding dress. A courthouse wedding in Santa Barbara. No one was there but the two of us and the JoP who did our vows. Our witnesses were courthouse docents. This marriage was the best decision I've ever made in my life about anything. Paul's a lot of the reason the last 10 years of my life have been so amazing and that I've been so happy. He puts up with a lot and is always looking for ways to make things easier and better. I lead such a fortunate life, really.

I really haven't being lolling around all day. Paul and I did go out earlier today to get me an Rx refill from Costco and also pick up a cake (chocolate with chocolate mousse filling mmmm!), some Pam and more bandages and paper tape from Target. The walk was good for me, but by the time we left Target I was running out of gas. When we got home I promised I'd rest. And so I'm resting, really.

In fact, now I'm going to try a nap.