So, Doctor, Am I Done?

Weight: 183 (dressed and after coffee)

After some miscommunication yesterday (apparently my appointment was moved but I didn't get the memo), today I had my eighteen month follow-up appointment.  It was hard in a way.  I kept looking for Maria who wasn't there.  And I knew that I wasn't going to be showing any sort of dramatic loss since my one year appointment.

But it was good too.  Dr. Kaufman said I looked amazingly different and in a good way.  He walked right by me with me smiling welcomingly and still didn't know who I was.  This was rather shocking to hear as he's never had any trouble recognizing me before, even when we've run into eachother randomly on campus.  Looking at my labs and outcome he said he considers me an unqualified success.

"So," I asked, "does this mean I'm done losing weight?"

Because I really want to know.  He set my (pre-plastics) goal weight at about 170.  I was more ambitious and promised myself 150.  But I've been mostly around 180ish for the past few months.  No real downward movement, but then no real effort made to lose either.  His response was that I looked great and that he was glad I'd scheduled my plastic surgery consult.  If I do my tummy-tuck at USC he's going to do the hernia portion.

Sabrina (his assistant) and I looked at my numbers.  Apparently, from my surgery weight of 357 (ten pounds down from my high weight) I've lost just under 80% of my excess weight.  Losing 100% would put me at 130 -- a place she said they'd be rather upset to see me go.  She said if I want to lose more and feel I can, I can go to between 155 and 160.

This gave me a moment of pause.  Because, well, I'm not sure if I want to lose any more.  Just yesterday I was kind of freaked out because I realized I'm not really the size I've been thinking of myself as being.  You see, I was pretty sure that I'm a 14 in slacks / jeans while being a medium (with some larges and some smalls) up top.  Sure I have a pair or two of size 12s, but I'd decided that those were just flukes.  But then yesterday I was going to dress for fall.  I pulled out 4 pairs of my winter black or grey slacks, all size 14 or 16, and they didn't fit. And I don't just mean they looked a little big.  I mean they were freaking huge EVERYWHERE and there was no way I could wear them.  Not the 16s and not even the one pair of 14s.   

I wound up wearing a pair of 12s that make my hips / thighs look even larger then ever.

So what's to whine about?  Well, you see, I don't think I've changed much since these 14-16 slacks fit me last spring.  My weight sure hasn't changed.  I'm not currently working out.  And yet here's proof that I've somehow gotten smaller.  It's freaky, really.  I'm not sorry or anything, nor am I looking for pity, but this was just one more way that my body has become foreign to me.  When I sit in the bath I hardly know myself.  And it seems very strange, you know?

I thought about it last night as I lay on our bed.  Fresh out of the bath and trying to get mosturized (I'll bore everyone with my eczema routine later), I lay back and realized I was sort of in a puddle of my own skin.  Butt wings, thigh frames, batt wings, rocks in socks, goo suit -- I've got them all.  This may sound a bit like a cop-out, but when I imagine losing another 20-30 pounds, what I start imaging is my already loose and wrinkling thigh skin starting to hang over my knees like bad stockings.  Horrifying.  And I'm not even sure if it would happen or if I'm just obsessing... something that's very likely.

I mean, so long as I still have weight to lose, I don't really need to think seriously about further surgery to reconstruct my skin. 

So what to do?  Am I done?  And if so, what does that mean?

I dunno.  But I do know that I have an appointment to see a plastic surgeon later this month.   And I know that, so far anyway, my labs are all coming out great.

Comments

[Vic]

If you're healthy (and are likely to keep the health) at the weight you are, then who cares about the weight you *could* be. If not, then maybe it's worth surviving the skin thing another little bit...

Is it time for a picture, you think? :)

[Deluzy (Alison)]

Pretty freakin' amazing, woman!

(I hear you on the numbers remaining the same but the body still getting smaller -- I'm still in my weight loss window, but the same happens to me when I've plateaued, and I just so don't *get* it --> I don't really exercise much at ALL, so I don't quite get how the body gets smaller during those periods.)

Let's face it, WLS plays with our heads, as do abstract numbers. You're still coping with major body change. If you look and feel great and your labs are good, then let the chips fall where they may on your scale weight and move forward --> maybe you'll lose more, maybe you won't, but an 80% loss is FABULOUS and also probably *maintainable* without craziness --> which is SO important in the long-term.

Keep us updated on the plastics consult ... and I'm so glad you're blogging again.

[Ezpy]

Vic: I suppose it might well be time for a picture or two. As well as some new pants that *fit* me. I''ll go in search of some this weekend and then ask Paul to take some photos.

I think I've been reluctant because I'm both not fond of having my picture taken and also because I haven't expected that there'd be much change. But hey, who knows? Anyway, 18 months is its own milestone.

Alison: I think you're right -- I mean what choice do we have other than to move forward (I know what lies behind and I'm not going back). I'll keep you posted on the plastics/ skin situation (ugh!).

What I *do* plan on doing is upping my exercise so that whatever happens I've got as good of a muscle base as possible.

Thanks!