What I Did to Deserve This

Weight 182

Thanks to everyone for the great feedback on my pictures.  I like the idea that people think I'm hot (especially that it's women, for some reason).  I showed my husband some of the comments.  I'm not sure he thinks I'm a hottie (and I'm not sure he'd ever use that word) but it would definitely be cool to hear.

So, how did I celebrate my hottie status?  A trip to the mall?  To the gym? 

No, no.  That would be too simple and not reflect at all my very complex and intense relationship with food.

What I did was:

• Go to work Tuesday.
• Get very stressed out because of deadlines and constant interruption's the prevented me from moving forward to meet said deadlines.
• Resist eating sugar-ry crap candy in the morning.
• Went and had a very healthy and yummy lunch (Cobb salad mmm).
• Came back to still more stress in the form of insane graduate students and their demands.
• Remained polite and helpful to said insane students.
• Ate a BIG handful of peanut M&Ms because, well, I deserved them don't you know.

So, now follow that train with me if you will.  I'd had a very stressful day and was unhappy.  I didn't vent the stress.  Instead I decided I deserved chocolate candy.  Now 20 peanut M&Ms aren't a lot for someone with a normal digestive system.  Someone like that might well be able to say they deserved candy.

But when I say I "deserve" candy, what I'm saying I deserved is to have very very painful (and smelly) gas for hours.  Which made riding home on the bus an agony as I had to hold said gas inside me for fear of otherwise being thrown off the speeding bus.  And then I clearly deserved to spend the evening resting in bed with a heating pad on my stomach or dashing to and from our bathroom. 

So my question was, what was I thinking? 

I know my body reacts this way to too much sugar.  And I sure know 20 M&Ms would be too much sugar.   Yet under stress, old habits die very hard indeed.

Are you sure you want me as a role model? 

Comments

[Kim]

Have you tried pairing them with jerky. Maybe the protein combo would help with the gas. I would have eaten them too even with the gas.

Stress is a killer. I am with you!

[harriet]

Old habits die very hard indeed. As I mentioned, I went in for comfort food eating for about a month. The first couple of weeks, nothing happened. So of course, I continued. Then -- boom -- I gained back a chunk of weight all at once. I've lost weight before. I know this is not the way to do it. So why did I try this little experiment that was doomed to fail? Sigh.

The idea of P calling you a "hottie" is beyond my imagination, as hottie-hood is not a concept I can see him embracing. (Perhaps I am wrong.) But you look great, and I'm sure that can't have escaped his attention.

[Lissa W]

You're a great role model- you try things and then learn from them, share them with others who struggle with these temptations (myself included), etc. I just had a morning from hell (also in academia...so much for it being better than the private sector) and thought about the left-over donughts from yesterday's faculty meeting. My next thought- why should I punish my body for someone else's incompetence and its negative affect on my life?

So what I'm saying is I feel your pain :-) Hang in there. You're making the journey in a most fantastic manner. You are a role model and a great one at that!

[Lissa W.]

PS- I didn't eat a donught!!

[Alison]

God, I think we were separated at birth. For the first time in 4.5 months since the DS, I resorted to stress-eating (I *deserved* a treat, I told myself) and ate 4 Lindt chocolate truffles. On top of the two Starbucks shortbread cookies I'd had earlier in the day, that was 4 too many. They didn't send me to bed with a heating pad, but I feel absolutely gross today.

You *are* a role model: you're REAL!

[KT]

You are too funny. I think you did was most *normal* eaters would do. It is a good thing you dumped after the sugar (imo anyway) -- negative reinforcement.

And you are so a hottie!

[Starr]

personally, I like my role models to have their halos slightly askew. Makes me feel like the goals are attainable. And holding the gas on the bus - oy!! You are a funny, quirky role model to have. How fun!

[kelli]

Well stress causes me to do things I know I will regret and yet I do them anyway. As if in a trance and under a huge amount of stress I headed for the fridge a few nites ago and proceeded to eat several (big mind you) bites of a Subway sandwich leftover from my teenage son. I followed it with a handful of chips no less and big swig of Crystal Light, all in about a 2 minute time frame. I made it to the living room before I had to start running to the bathroom. Should I have made a better choice to release my stress? God yes. Do I regret the feeding frenzy? Yes and no. It serves as a good reminder that even though I have come so far in 9 months, I could slip and fall at anytime.

Thanks again so much for sharing!

[maggimae]

As a 3 year out DS postop, I have always wished the consequences of my slips weren't 6-8 hours later :).
I would have learned to avoid hidden lactose much quicker if the gas showed up immediately...
Old habits due indeed die a hard death.
MM

[Melli]

LOL! Ohhhhh dear! Well, we ALL fall off the wagon from time to time... but fortunately we don't all have to PAY for you like you did! Maybe next time you should only deserve 4 m&m's... maybe! And eat them one at a time... and let them melt in your mouth... slowly... and savor them! I thought I deserved chocolate yesterday too ... but I only had a little one-bite snickers. But I saaaaaaavored it! Indeed I did!

I DO hope your tummy is feeling better now!

[GinaBobina]

Oh. My. Heck.

I just read your first entry and I'm absolutely hooked! I compltely identify with your writing style and complete honesty! We could have been separated at birth!

I'm at the beginning of my DS journey - I'm aiming for Aug/Sept after a loss of 30lbs and am really beginning to journal my feelings and dealings with life in this body of mine - thanks for the laugh!