Blogging Around

Weight 180

My mom and dad were visiting this weekend.  It was great to get to spend time with her.  We shopped on Monday and she bought me some of the cutest clothes I've had since high school (more on that later).  It was so sweet of her. 

But anyway, that's why it's been so darn quiet.  Well, that and this is just an insane week at work?  How insane?  Tomorrow I apparently have to catch at 4:30 AM bus so I can be here at 6AM.  Yeah baby. 

There may not be enough coffee on earth to help me cope with that.  Marybeth reminded me she wakes up at 4:15 every morning. In o so many ways I wish I were her.  But hey, knowing her is pretty good. 

So, what to write about today?  Well, surfing around yesterday I noticed this post at Hello I Am Fat.   The writer is thinking about wls.  (She also thinks my blog is awesome so I'm a bit biased toward her -- it happens).  As I followed the links from the comments, I noticed discussion of the blogger over here. 

I wrote this rather epic comment in reply before realizing I should really blog about this here:

This is such a tough subject. I read Anne's blog too and was a bit surprised to see her thinking about weight loss surgery.

Then again, given that I've always been all about accepting / loving my body, had a good (well, as good as most women) self image, was a huge coward about knives and such, had a loving partner and never had much problem finding friends or lovers, a number of people were really surprised when 18 months ago I told them I was having duodenal switch surgery (that's a form of gastric bypass). Especially given that 10 years before I'd backed out of RnY surgery after going through the education and insurance approval process.

The thing is though, what I felt like I was losing and what tipped me into going to the doctor and telling them I wanted a weight loss surgery consult was that I was losing my health. I couldn't walk more than a couple miles in a day without my feet hurting so much the next day I could hardly stand. My liver was being invaded by fat and its functions were slowing down. And my body just hurt.

That last is probably not very specific, but its true. It hurt so much that some days I could hardly make myself get out of bed.

What I realized when I faced that I weighed 367 pounds was that at 37 I might not have another 10 years to diet. And if I hadn't been able to lose the weight with dieting from age 12 to 37 (going from 130 to 367 in the process), to think I was going to be able to do it in the next ten was the height of unlikely. Or, as my doctor said when I asked him if I'd be a good candidate for wls, "better than you will be in 10 years when you're recovering from your first heart attack."

Yikes!

So 13 months ago I had my stomach made smaller and my intestines re-routed. I've lost 187 pounds and more dress sizes then I can count. My largest jeans were size 36. My last pair were a 12.

Is it all golden? No. I've lost foot as a provider of calm and comfort. But I can backpack again. I get nasty gas if I eat sugar. But I can buy clothes from stores and try them on rather than being stuck with catalogs. I've got piles of excess skin. But my liver is functioning normally again.

I may not live as long as someone who has never been super morbidly obese and then had weight loss surgery. I may not even live longer then I would have if I'd not had the surgery. Who knows?

Sorry for being so long winded. :)

Points in the blog entry and the comments that followed that I was sort of stunned by (though why I'm not sure) were:

• that someone who fit into a 14 (or 20 for that matter) considered themselves "fat."
• that the discussion about weight loss surgery seemed to be more related to appearance then health.

First, I guess because I started so large, by the time I got down to a size 24 I'd already lost almost 100 pounds.  Yes, I was still fat, I guess, but by then I sure wasn't seeing myself as fat.  I thought I looked pretty cute.  Maybe I was kidding myself, but heck, it's all about how we see ourselves anyway. By the time I was size 20, I felt great.  Technically I would have still qualified for wls at that stage, but I felt good.  That's when I started working out like crazy and just enjoying how much better my body felt.  I'd lost over 125 pounds by then and would have been happy stopping there.

Okay, since then I've lost another 50 or so and another 6 sizes -- no doubt as much to do with working out or walking for hours most days then .  Yes, it's good and thrilling to be in a 14 or 12, no lie, but this has never been about appearance for me.  It's been about health and mobility. I wouldn't have put myself through this for vanity.  Most of my vanity is caught up in head issues -- things like my dissertation, if I'm as smart (and seen as being as smart) as my friends, whether I write well, people noticing that my spelling sucks, things like that.

Maybe focusing on my brain over the last 20 years has been a way of coping with my body feeling so out of my control, but for whatever reason, even at 360-plus, my body image was better at 37 then it was at 17 when I weighed 140.  Or at least I was less obsessed with it.  I wonder, to a degree, if this is a function of basically being rather sick by the time I had surgery or if it's more about being in my last 30s rather than 20s.  In my 20s it was a lot easier to carry more weight.  As I got older, what my mom warned me would happen did.  It got a lot harder.   

One of the reasons it's been so surprising that people don't recognize me now, at least not until they hear my piercing, nasal voice, is that I've never felt defined by my weight.  Yet, being overweight did define me to others. 

That seems profound somehow.  And sobering. 

Comments

[Sharon]

This is a great, great post. My standard answer when someone tells me how great I look, is to let them know that I FEEL great...looking good is a bonus. I too was all about the health. I wanted to wake up in the morning and not feel 20 years older than I am or was. I wanted to have a long life with my children - and I knew that continuing down the path I was on wouln't do it. You rock Ezpy :) Oh, and you look great!

[GinaBobina]

It really is amazing to me that the diet industry and media have infiltrated our minds so destructively and convinced Americans that EVERYONE is fat! Even those who aren't what anyone would consider even remotely fat. Has anyone noticed the increase in Anorexia/Bulemia diagnoses has increased at basically the same rate as obesity? Think there's no relationship there?? And what's worse is that we have been convinced to believe that fat is the enemy of all that is good and healthy in this world.

I'm thrilled to hear that you had the surgery to improve your health and to feel better. That is the ONLY reason I am considering having the surgery as well. I could have had the RNY several years ago, but
I knew that it wouldn't have been a good choice for me and in so many ways would have miserable - that's no way to live! At the same time, I now feel much the same as you did in that I'm constantly at odds with my mobility. I'm sore, tired, and struggle with daily tasks that should be a breeze. It was not this way even 5 years ago.

I don't have a low self-esteem. I'm a fun person and that has nothing to do with the number on the scale or on the label in my pants! I have just noticed that there are things that I hesitate doing that 10 years ago I would never have hesitated doing - going for walks, how far away from a store I should park, the sturdiness of a chair, getting on a crowded elevator....the list goes on - I'm sure you had similar worries...

Do I hate being fat? No more than I hate having eyes that change colors now and then. I don't use my weight to identify myself other than to call myself a 'fat girl' - which I suspect I always will be even after surgery. I have no aspirations to be a particular size or weight designation - I just want to FEEL better! I want to be able to take a long walk without incurring an asthma/panic attack with serious lower back pain! If I could do that at this size and weight I wouldn't consider having the surgery. It's that simple.

I am not saying that being obese is healthy - what I am saying is that being obese is not any MORE unhealthy than many other medical conditions that are non weight-related.

So - Kudos to you Ezpy for your success! I hope that you indeed DO feel better - and get to the gym to work off that stress instead of carbing out on M&M's! *wink*

[harriet]

I have, no kidding, seen an ad for a diet product called "Anorex." It claims to contain an "anorectic agent." Can it get sicker than that?

I have thought of myself as fat for at least half my life. Right now, I'd like to lose 50-60 pounds, and it seems nearly impossible. Until I was 25, I could eat anything I wanted to and not gain weight. Then my metabolism changed. Uh-oh.

I don't know whether others define me by my body. I don't do it myself. In fact, I'm often oblivious to my body. I realize that being able to do that is in some ways a luxury. There have been times when I've had significant pain from something not weight-related, and then it sure was my focus. But now, invited Intense physical sensation (and sometimes rope) get me to stop thinking and to focus on my body, and I suspect that's one reason I enjoy it. There are also downsides to this daily obliviousness. I could probably do better at losing weight if it weren't such a huge effort to pay attention to the physicality of existence. I'm still trying.

And Ezpy, I never think of your voice as piercing and nasal

[Marybeth]

I wanted WLS for mainly aesthetic reasons, I'm the first to admit. But part of that aesthetic was to be healthy too. Appearance makes all the difference in the world and it was that which was indeed the catalyst that jump started my pursuit of WLS...I was pushed out of my company because my manager held deep weight bias.

My feeling was that I have deep and profound flaws as a person. Spend 20 minutes with me and I'm sure you can find 5 reasons to dislike me. But they are probably pretty good solid reasons. Politics, religion, general philosophy on life, humor, etc. I grew weary of providing a reason to dislike me so readily.

Of course I wanted to be healthier. However, my comorbidities were minimal at the time. I was quite healthy for a 330 pounder. I wanted the WLS so that I could look AND feel good, physically and emotionally. Ironically, I have had more health problems since losing weight than I ever had before it. At the same time, I feel as if I am more whole spiritually.