Hope and Things.

Weight 184

Sarah's comment about feeling hope for herself was very humbling for me.  Not very long ago, someone wrote to me talking a bit about how hard life is as a morbidly obese person.  This email touched me very much and scared me too.  Because I can remember going to bed at the end of each day with part of me hoping that I'd die during the night.  My body and spirit hurt so and I really didn't believe that things could ever change.  I can't even explain how hard I tried over and over again to lose weight only to fail or stall and then watch myself regain.

What made surgery different?  Not that it's magic.  It isn't.  I've radically modified my body in a way nature never intended it to be --not that it intended for me to be 367 pounds either, but still.   Duodenal switch surgery may have been the easy way.  Or not.  I don't know that either.  But it was A way.  And I can't even tell you how much seeing A way meant to me after not being able to see any way for so long.  If you understand, well, you've probably been or are where I was.  And if you can't. well. I'm not sure I have the language to explain it.

But it's why I chose the name "Ezperanza" when I needed to give my blog persona a name (I was afraid to use my real one because I worried if I did I wouldn't be able to be honest enough).  In Spanish, "esperanza" means "hope."  And so by taking that name I was trying to express the hope I felt for myself.    Having hope in anything means a lot.  Aside from anything else, it gave me a reason for looking forward to morning before I went to sleep each night.   

This is probably going to need to be revised later.  I'm at work and well, I guess I should be working since people keep calling and everything.  But what I wanted to say was that I can't tell anyone that they should have weight loss surgery.  This is a huge thing to decide to do and definitely something to be researched and carefully considered.  Hearing that I've given anyone hope though.... well, that's pretty cool.   

Comments

[FatFairy]

Hi Ezpy,

I believe that it could be me that you mention here in this post as I did indeed send you an e-mail a short while ago. The name I used then was FatNFlabulous.

I'm sorry if it scared you - that wasn't my intention. I just wanted to let you know how much I have enjoyed reading your story and that I continue to read it with interest.

You have done so extremely well on this journey of yours and I for one am glad that you have chosen to share your story with others here :-)

Keep up the great work!

Love FatFairy x

[Melli]

I really appreciate what you have written here -- not just in this post - but you're whole blog - and I'm not a surgery loser. I think that you inspire a lot of people and probably many of them don't ever even leave a note in your blog. You are most correct about the surgery being A way to lose the weight and I find so often that the people that I meet (in person) who have had it always feel they somehow need to "apologize" or ummm... "justify" their decision, and I am feeling that in this post. I don't think that having surgery is the "easy way out" on the weight loss issue. My doctor offered me the surgery several times and I have to tell you that the idea of having that surgery and the new issues that it brings forth was far scarier to me than either staying fat OR "committing" to losing weight the traditional way. If this is what WORKS for you then it is a GOOD thing!!! And you should be very proud of yourself -- and I know that you are! And you ARE helping other people by sharing your experience!

[Allan]

I don't get emotional, but reading the recent entry did it. Thanks for inspiring me, for knowing the pros and cons of your decision and for following through on your plan. I am humbled and inspired. Thanks

[Ezpy]

Thanks to everyone for your kind words.

Yes my dear Fairy, I think I was writing about your mail. It did make me feel sad for you, mostly, I confess, because it reminded me what it was like to feel as you said you do. I'm glad you're reading and enjoying the blog. :) :)

Melli, I know what you mean. I suppose I do worry a bit about people seeing WLS as "the easy way out" not because of feeling judged (although, who likes that after all?) but because I don't want someone to decide to have surgery, especially if they read here, thinking that it's all going to be easy, painless or effortless. Someone going into WLS needs to go in with their eyes wide open. I was terrified going into sugery and it was only the knowledge that I couldn't continue as I was that got me into the operating room. But this was after going all the way through the approval process 12 years before and then backing out of surgery. I'm not sorry I did that -- the time wasn't right then the way it was now. And probably I wasn't ready yet either. BTW, your progress is amazing too (and your blog is lovely). You've done so great! I love reading about your rewards. :)

Thanks so much Allan. I know we started out a little rough with each other, but from reading your blog (hang in there btw, life is really throwing you some curves) I've come to understand where you're coming from a lot better. I'm awed by your committment to yourself and your family. Don't forget, 2006 is the year we reach goal! :)

[Shannin]

You are such an inspiration. I love hearing about your success and know that I can succeed as well. I didn't have a DS, but RNY, and know what a challenge having surgery is. Congrats on your continued losing (size 12 jeans!!).